By: Mikepattonfan (Sean Warhurst)
This is the post you’re looking for. I swear it’s not a trap. There was a time, back in 1999 B.P (Before Prequels) in a time when the world was on the cusp of Y2K hysteria, which of course was the Millennium Falcon bug, that Star Wars was considered to be pretty tits. The original trilogy was one of the greatest achievements ever committed to celluloid, incestuous subplots aside, and pioneered advances in special effects that were unparalleled at the time…In short, it was awesome sauce with a sprinkling of gnarly salt.
But, from the depths of his Skywalker ranch rape dungeon, lumberjack shirted, bullfrog necked George Lucas was planning to expose the franchise’s naked, quivering buttocks and forcibly penetrate it with a broom handle covered in razor blades for the better part of ninety minutes.
Star Wars: Episode 1 – The Phantom Menace wasn’t the first wrong step that George had made, that honour goes to the radical blob of sputum that was ‘Howard The Duck’, however he had never made a clusterfuck of this proportion.
On opening day, people were confronted with a visual muffinload of dogwank where ‘The Force’ was turned into a form of Space-Aids (Midi-Chlorians, damn you to hell!), Anakin was an adorable little blonde moppet spawned via immaculate conception, like a Moon-Jesus whose voice would eventually become that of an old, black man who voiced a lion once, and Jar-Jar Binks. Fuckin’ rabbit-salamander-looking motherfucker. I want him to contract AIDS, cut himself, bleed into the open wound of somebody that he loves dearly and infect them, and then they cut themselves and bleed on someone that they love dearly… And so on and so forth.
When I want to improve something, say, a sandwich, I’ll add some salami, maybe some jalapenos, possibly an extra level, if I’m feeling daring. What I wouldn’t do is drive a shit covered stick through the centre of it and pronounce that it now comes with ‘100 percent more shitty stick!’ Lucas should’ve adhered to this mentality.
George has made mistakes before. He allowed ‘N-Sync’ to film a small background cameo appearance in Star Wars: Episode 2 – Electric Boogaloo, in order to satisfy his daughters, although this ended up on the cutting room floor. Old Georgie boy is a litigious motherfucker as well, suing Verizon over the name of their Droid phone, obviously under the impression that he created the entire fucking concept of androids.
George Lucas is a savvy businessman, to be fair; most of his fortune has been created via retaining the merchandising rights to the franchise, and although some products are as bland as milk flavoured Nesquik, this is a man who let items such as THESE pass through quality control adorned with the Star Wars logo.
However, before the advent of the prequel trilogy, Lucas and Pepsi entered into a deal to create some Star Wars themed merchandise, and although they were never manufactured, these items are a step above the nut-pus usually created as tie-ins.
So, for raping my childhood, on a scale of One to Cunt, George Lucas resides at the upper end of the spectrum. Do I want George Lucas to give me a blow job with a mouthful of pop rocks so my dick can feel like a sparkler? Possibly. Do I want to return to a world where Star Wars is once again respected, blowing up on our screens like fucking Alderaan? Most assuredly.
Until this impossible dream becomes a reality, I shall gaze fondly back upon these rejected concepts and dream of what may have been.
Follow Sean on TWITTER
Images originally retrieved from http://www.geekologie.com/2008/02/questionable_rejected_star_war.php and http://www.geekologie.com/…/more_rejected_star_wars_promot.php
UPDATE: Follow up article “15 rejected Star Wars items Lucasfilm didn’t want you to have (Which you can still kinda get anyway”)can be found Here.