By: Cory Matthews

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These TV Shows Would Be Better If ‘

Okay, so I’ll admit it. I’ve never produced a TV show. There, I said it. Feels good to get that out there — been holding it in for the past 72 years. That said, I do watch a lot of TV. And thus I’m fully qualified to give these notes. Listen up, TV showmakers (That’s Hollywood lingo).

1. Full House would have been better if it was actually about the rise and fall of Jesse and the Rippers.

2. Friends would have been better it were just a documentary about Joey Tribbiani’s sexcapades and sandwich addiction.

3. Saved by the Bell would have been better if Screech blew up the school in the name of Lisa Turtle.

4. 90210 would have been better if Donna Martin’s dyslexia was never diagnosed, she never actually graduated, and stayed at West Beverly for the rest of the show’s run.

5. According to Jim would have been better if it did not exist.

6. Boy Meets World would have been better if Mr. Feeny was accused of sexually harassing Cory.

7. Blossom would have been better if Anthony relapsed by selling all of Blossom’s hats for one hit of crack.

8. How I Met Your Mother would be better if were just about Barney and it was called “The Show You Actually Want to Watch.”

9. The Wonder Years would have been better if Winnie put out. (And it was accompanied by a longing voiceover)

10. The Fresh Prince would have been better if there was an episode with both Aunt Vivs.

11. The Wire would have been better if there was an episode where Avon Barksdale murdered a good friend simply because he found out he had never seen The Wire.

12. Home Improvement would have been better if Tim finally found the bodies Wilson stored in his backyard.

13. The OC would have been better if Mischa Barton had been replaced with any of the following: a better actress, anybody, a wooden stick they found on the back lot.

14. Gossip Girl would have been better if Dan Humphrey was played by any of the following: Adam Brody, Seth Cohen, the wooden stick that auditioned for the role of Marissa Cooper on The OC.

15. Arrested Development would have been better if the rest of America had gotten it.

16. Entourage would be better if after not getting a role in a movie, Vince responded by having sex with every girl he saw, which led him to a vast array of VD, which in turn led him to being deemed uninsurable, which prevented him from steady work for the better part of a decade. AND it was not resolved in one episode. Oh, and if Drama framed Turtle for embezzlement and Turtle was sent to a minimum security prison, but there wasn’t any room, so he was sent to the roughest jail in the state, where he was greeted with open arms from the inmates who just “wanted to taste Vince.”

17. Freaks and Geeks would have been better if… see Arrested Development.

18. American Idol would be better if they did a crossover episode with American Gladiators and all contestants were forced to joust with Simon, who of course returned to topple Nitro.

19. The Jersey Shore would be better if there was episode where the cabs didn’t get there.

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