By: A General Nonchalance

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50 Things Obama is Not

There’s a lot of questioning about the validity of Obama’s birth certificate, where he was born, if he had the grades to be get into Harvard, etc. Most of which is exactly what you think it is: inane.

But if for some reason you need further explanation, let’s break it down.

Here are the things that Barack Obama Is: ‘

The President

The Father of two girls

A former Senator

Here are the things he is not: ‘

1. A Christian-hating Muslim
2. A Kenyan-born baby who duped the nation into becoming President
3. A Fascist
4. A Wild Card
5. A deck of cards
6. The feeling you get when you watch movies of yourself as a child
7. A bowl of soup
8. A tree
9. A hammock
10. That high school English teacher who really inspired you, but was fired for making her students think
11. Your new iPhone
12. Your old-outdated iPhone
13. Steve Jobs
14. An issue of Skymall Magazine
15. A lamp
16. The smell of your grandma's house
17. The smell of your grandma
18. Your Grandma
19. Jim Rice
20. James Joyce
21. Joyce Brothers
22. The Smothers Brothers
23. A stapler
24. The reason why tap water in NY somehow tastes as good, if not better, than bottled water
25. A really good joke on Twitter
26. The guy who killed JFK
27. JFK
28. The guy who played JFK in the movie “JFK”
29. JFK Airport
30. George Costanza
31. Art Vandelay
32. Bob Sacamano
33. A sight for sore eyes
34. Marty McFly
35. Biff
36. Billy Zane in Back to the Future
37. Billy Zane in Titanic
38. Billy Zane in Billy Zane's House when he says stuff like “Fuck Yeah I'm Billy Zane”
39. Billy Zane
40. Roger Ebert
41. Former New York Yankee prospect Brian Taylor
42. A terrorist
43. A fan of Donald Trump
44. Someone who gives a shit about Donald Trump
45. Donald Trump
46. The thought that pops into your head when you realize that your cat owns you, rather than you owning it. ‘
46. Prince
47. ‘Prince Henry
48. Prince Charles
49. ‘King Ralph
50. Our deepest darkest fears.

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