By: Dan Abramson
5 Reasons To Keep Donald Trump Around
1. This is Just the Beginning of his Ridiculous Accusations
He's come this far. Why stop there? There's so many accusations to make! Could be fun to see where he goes from here.
2. He's Essentially Kenny Powers
After Obama's birth certificate was released, Trump took to the podium, where he held a press conference in which he gladly took credit for the event. No shocker, this is what oblivious assholes do. But his speech would have been far more entertaining coming from Kenny Powers. Take this real quote: “I'm really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role.” Wow. Those pompous words could've easily come straight from the mouth of Kenny.
3. People Love Villains
Trump feels like he's a villain in a movie. Like he should be constantly referred to as “Mr. Big” throughout and then at the end he's revealed and he's got Michelle Obama tied to a chair and he's screaming into the phone, “If you don't get me the money, the dame gets it!” And then Obama hangs up and yells “TRUUUUUUUUUUUUMP” into the sky. CUT TO: Obama and Biden breaking into Trump Tower (Biden of course is adorned in all black, wearing a tool belt filled with over-the-top crime-fighting gadgets). While Biden accidentally creates a diversion by accidentally setting off his Molecular Reactor (classic Biden), Obama finds Michelle and unties her. Meanwhile, Trump has emerged in the shadows saying something like, “I've seen the papers and have everything I need,” and raises his gun. AND THEN out of nowhere Glenn Beck shows up and shoots Trump. And Obama's like “I thought you were…” and Glenn Beck's like “I've been working from the inside for the last ten years. You didn't think anyone was actually that crazy, did you?” And then they laugh and laugh as the credits role.
BUT after the credits, we cut back to Trump's limp body and zoom in on his fingers. One moves. Sequel!
We all followed that analogy, right? Great. Now what if in that sequel, the villain became President? Yeah. Box office gold.
4. This Dog
If you've read any of my Trump posts before, you know I've brought this dog up. But c'mon, internet, you know that if Trump ran for President this cute little guy would be all over the place.
5. Maybe He Should Get Elected President (Wha???????)
Hear me out. I'm no political expert, so let me explain this in terms that I'm familiar with. The movie Batman and Robin is one of the most important films in history. Without it, the Batman franchise wouldn't have bottomed out. And if it hadn't bottomed out, the franchise would not have been rebooted. So if there was no Batman with nipples, there'd be no Batman Begins, no Dark Knight. Basically, maybe this country needs to bottom out and start from scratch. And I can think of no better person to destroy our nation than a racist, reality TV star who in no way is qualified to lead America. He'll be the Joel Schumacher to our Christopher Nolan.
On the Other Hand…
Perhaps he should go away forever.