By: Mikepattonfan (Sean Warhurst)
Are Bear Grylls and k.d Lang the same person?
k.d Lang has been absent from the public eye during the years in which Bear Grylls has risen to prominence and they both have a ‘Constant craving’, one for adventure, the other for pussy. I’ll let you figure out which is which.
So the question begs to be asked: Are Bear Grylls and k.d Lang in fact the same person? Or is one of them a Doppelganger sent back in time to assassinate the other one?
Let us examine the facts.
1. Like Superman and Clark Kent, Bruce wayne and Batman and Mary-kate and Ashley Olsen, they’ve never been seen in the same room together.
2. Both are tougher than the average man, and, like a cockroach, are nearly impossible to kill. Their only weakness? Bullets. Oh, and knives. Well, anything stabby or shooty, really.
3. They have both been known to drink their own piss for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
4. They both like hats. And everyone knows that two people of different genders can not both like hats. It’s logistically impossible. They also like monocles and canes. Probably.
5. Bear Grylls looks like k.d Lang.
6. k.d Lang looks like Bear Grylls.
7. They’ve both been to some of the most uninhabitable places on Earth; Bear’s been to Antartica, k.d’s been to Nashville.
8. They’re both modern day Macguyvers; Bear built a hammock out of a parachute. k.d built a dildo out of a deodorant can.
9. They’ve both sung songs with Roy Orbison.
10. Neither of them knows the definition of “Cocknuckle” but insist on using the word in conversation anyway.
11. They’re both military men. Bear was in the special forces, k.d is an officer of the order of Canada.
12. Bear eats bushes, roots and leaves. k.d eats bush, roots and leaves.
13. They’re both totally hardcore. Bear Grylls turns animals inside out. k.d goes so far as to turn herself inside out.
14. They have the same bra size.
15. Neither of them trust men who wear capes. And neither should you. They have shifty eyes.
16. The answer to the question “How many Bears could Bear Grylls Grill if Bear Grylls could Grill Bears?” is k.d Lang
17: In Swahili, Bear Grylls literally translates to “Androgynous squinty-eyed songstress with phenomenal vocal pitch.”
18. They are wearing the exact same shirt in this photo.
The facts speak for themselves, although it could also be the Doppelganger theory, which I have dubbed “The Terminator Paradox.”
Follow Sean on TWITTER.