Dating Advice from a 1980s Movie Villain

Dear Ivan,
There's a woman I've had my eye on for quite some time. The only problem is she's in love with someone else.
-Lonely in Louisiana
Dear Lonely,
Have you tried kidnapping her and tying her to a chair while screaming she'll “never see her loved ones again”? If not you should do that. Pronto.
Cheers,
Ivan
——
Dear Ivan,
I've been on like eight dates with this girl and I'm not making any headway. I mean, she's hot and all, but I don't know how much longer I can go without having sex.
-Blueballed in Boise
Dear Blueballed,
First of all, I don't know how you can tell how attractive she is if she's wearing a burlap sack over her head – as any worthwhile woman is – so that's irrelevant. Secondly, do not wait too long because she may end up developing Stockholm Syndrome which really takes the fun out of new relationships. It's like skipping the honeymoon phase altogether. ‘
Cheers,
Ivan
——
Dear Ivan,
Recently my girlfriend has been emotionally unavailable. It's like she's checked out, even when we have sex. Any advice?
-Confused in Kansas City
Dear Confused,
Happens all the time. Classic “You can have my body, but you'll never have my soul” sort of women stuff. Wait until she's lost all will to live before you make love. Though then again, you run the risk of her boyfriend (who you thought was dead) barging in right as you begin to defile her.
But that's how I like it,
Ivan
——
Dear Ivan,
Isn't that a weird way to have sex?
-Still Confused in in Kansas City
Dear Still Confused,
That's the only type of sex I've ever had.
-Ivan
——
Dear Ivan
Seriously? So you're basically raping her?
-Now Creeped Out in Kansas City
Dear Creeped,
Perhaps you didn't hear me when I said that the man who I thought I'd murdered (though I wasn't actually present for his death) barged in before we could get down to it.
Cheers,
Ivan
——
Dear Ivan,
Okay, but then what happened?
Still Creeped
Dear Creeped,
If you must know, he grabbed my new girlfriend and ran away. I did everything I could. Shot him in the shoulder, fired a couple rounds at his feet and even shouted his name as he disappeared over the horizon. That's how you have a healthy relationship.
Ivan
——
Dear Ivan,
You've never had sex have you?
Really Creeped
Dear Creeped,
No.
-Ivan