By: Evan Jeffrey
Unaired Episode of The Seinfeld
INT. JERRY’S APT.
[Jerry stands in his kitchen with the phone to his ear. George sits silently on the couch reading a magazine.]
Jerry: Are you trying to tell me that I ate three helpings of dog meat? I thought it was corned beef hash!… Why didn’t you tell me?… Well of course I wouldn’t have eaten it if I knew if was dog meat! I wish you would have told me! Aaah, forget it!
[Jerry hangs up.]
George: What was that all about?
Jerry: It was my mother, lying about meat products again.
George: The last person who lied about meat to me was that hooker in Times Square, I should have known that wasn’t a bratwurst in her pocket. Turns out it was a penis (snort laugh).
Jerry: So how did your date go with Lisa?
George: Not so good. She said the whole “bald thing” bothers her. I told her I could wear a wig but she insisted that if it’s not my real hair then I am SHIT OUTTA LUCK!
Elaine: Please tell me you have toilet paper.
Jerry: Sure, I got a whole bunch of Charmin, what’s wrong?
Elaine: Ugh, you would not BELIEVE how much diarrhea I’ve had today. Just now as I was walking here I had to stop and drop a load in a KFC, only to find that there was ‘
Jerry: No Charmin?
Elaine: No Charmin.
George: Don’t tell me it was the KFC on 34th!
[Elaine looks guilty and ashamed]
Jerry: You mean to tell me you walked ten blocks completely unsanitary?… Unbelievable.
[Frustrated, Elaine storms into the bathroom]
George: What got into her?
Jerry: I’m more concerned about what came out.
George: Ya know what I do when there’s no toilet paper? I just use my hands, then dry them off with the air blower thing.
Jerry: I don’t trust those blow dryers, you might want to look into using paper towels instead.
[George shrugs and goes back to reading the magazine]
[Kramer bursts through the door, unlit cigar in hand]
Kramer: Jerry I got it!
Jerry: (Sarcastically) Oh boy, here we go.
Kramer: Hair Today, Here Tomorrow.
Kramer: It’s the name of my new business ‘ get a load of this Jerry ‘ a service where people can grow out their hair then cut it, send it to a wig company where they style and color it any way they like and then get it sent back so they can have a wigs of their own hair in different styles for different occasions, it’s brilliant!
Jerry: I don’t know, see, I think a person’s hair defines them. If I start switching around – business hair by day, laid back hair in the evening, party hair on the weekends – I wouldn’t even know who I was anymore!
[Pause in dialogue for prolonged audience laughter]
[Elaine walks out of the bathroom]
Kramer: Elaine, let me ask you a professional question ‘
Kramer: Does the carpet match the drapes?
Elaine: I don’t know, why don’t you tell me?
[Elaine strips down nude and strikes a pose]
Kramer: (Shocked) GIDDY UP!
Jerry: Oh for cryin’ out loud.
[George ponders then has an epiphany]
George: That’s it ‘ I could turn my carpet into a wig and then Lisa would have no reason to object to me because it would be my real hair!
[George stands up, excited]
George: Kramer you’re a genius!
Kramer: Well I wouldn’t argue with that (bites cigar and smiles).