By: Dan Abramson
- 1. An app that recognized when friend's status messages were about how excited they were for the weekend. This could also apply to status messages that are counting down toward the weekend, in that the implication is that it is something they are very much looking forward to. We do not care that it's Thursday. It's Thursday for everyone. You're not breaking new ground with this revelation.
2. An app that recognized any time someone took a picture while posing on a beach. Or at a pool. You know, it would detect water and people having a good time with their friends. Fuck it, it'd find bikini shots. And it'd send it straight to the top of your newsfeed.
Special preferences you'd be able to turn on:
only girls you went to high school with
- only girls that peripherally know your girlfriend
- hide all family members
- 3. A plugin that rounded up all the pictures your friends took of their food while using a hipster filter and put it in album called “You All Suck.”
4. An alert for when your ex-girlfriend is dating someone less attractive then you. Since that is all subjective, you would be able to check off certain features. Such as:
Above a certain weight
- Has a ponytail
- Prematurely bald/grey
- For the Ladies:
The same checklist, but instead of being applied to the new girl your ex-boyfriend is dating, it is applied to your ex-boyfriend. And best friend.
5. Okay, fine. Any time anyone has gotten fat you should get a notification. Preferably if you went to high school with them.
6. A way to hide the following:
photos from a wedding you did not attend, nor know the parties involved
- photos taken from the mezzanine at “the best concert evaaaarrrrrr”
- photos taken on vacation (unless it applies to suggestion #2)
7. A filter that prevents you from getting an invite to any of your friend's improv shows.
8. An option to call Mark Zuckerberg and tell him your feelings on anything that pops into your mind. Mostly so you can say something like “I hate you for making me addicted to something I get no pleasure out of.”
9. An app that automatically defriends someone who posts pictures of their baby. If that baby has the cognitive ability to start their own Facebook account and upload pictures of themselves, fine. But until then, fuck their baby. (Does not apply if you are related to the baby, or if that baby is especially adorable…We'll leave that for Facebook's engineers to figure out how to differentiate.)
10. Anytime someone posts a vague status message like “it all comes down to this” or “it can't all be worth it,” they will automatically have their Facebook accounts locked for eternity. They will also be systematically murdered by Eduardo Saverin, who is given the opportunity to regain stock in the company if, and only if, he performs these ritualistic slaughterings.
11. The ability to recognize that you feel shitty about yourself when you check Facebook on Sunday morning to see your friends have posted pictures of themselves having the absolute best nights of their lives. That's all. Not any trigger that automatically adds twenty likes to your most recent post or anything. Just a feature that makes you aware that Facebook recognizes your solitude and will do nothing to fix it.
Got all that, Zuck? Get to work.