By: A General Nonchalance
Sure, we could rank these musicians based on their musical abilities and their contributions to the rock canon. Look, we definitely considered that. It's just that we considered their mustaches that much much more.
(Honorable mention goes to the mustachio'd drummer of ZZ Top, Frank Beard. He had the gall to be the only beardless member of a band famous for having beards even when his last name was “Beard.”)
Guitar: Duane Allman
Go ahead, check out that stache. Look closely. At first glance, it's a beard, which would obviously lead to a prompt dismissal from the band and chastising from society. But a close inspection reveals not a beard, but a mustache that grows into the manliest muttunchop-mustache merger you've ever seen. No hair on that chin. No hair on that neck. It's like his nose grew a front yard but then expanded into the neighbor's property. ‘
Guitar: Django Reinhardt
We've got to class up this band and Django's the guy/mustache to do it. When checking out his stache, notice the precision. Then notice the fingers on his hand. Yeah, they were been melded together in a fire. Many people discuss this in reference to his guitar playing, but nobody seems to mention he was able to perfectly groom his stache despite having penguin hands. ‘
Bass: Phil Lynott
C'mon. He was the leader of Thin Lizzy. Thin Lizzy? C'mon guys, go listen to Thin Lizzy. They're not nearly as cheezy as this mustache may imply. Really good band. Really good stache!
Fine, whatever. Here you go: ‘
Bass: Derek Smalls
Drums: John Bonham
Sax: Duke Silver
Also known as Ron Swanson. Nothing I write here will top the picture on the left. Let that photo mesmerize you. Just be warned: if you're a menopausal woman, you will be impregnated just by looking at it.
Vocals, I Guess: David Crosby
Walrus doppelgangers are granted instant entry into the group.
(Pictured: Crosby's mustache after it was arrested for breaking into a Sea World)
Backup Diabeetus: Wilford Brimley
If we're going with Walrus resemblance as a criteria for joining this band, Wilford Brimley can play the Diabeetus.
Musical Director: Frank Zappa
Do I really need to go into this one?