By: Dan Abramson
The 17 People At Every 4th Of July Barbecue
Fourth of July is coming up, everyone. Everybody got their America hats on? Great. Fantastic. I bet it looks very flattering and cool. Anyway, Independence Day. Let’s all honor our nation by going to a barbecue and eating overcooked hamburgers and waiting for our turn in the kiddie pool that our friend owns despite not having any children.
Also avoid these people:
1. Guy who announces he’s made a “killer playlist” on his iPod but it’s really just a collection of the same Sublime and Bob Marley songs he brings every year.
2. Guy who acts like he hasn’t heard Bob Marley or Sublime in years and thus encourages the creator of that playlist.
3. Guy who won’t shut up during the fireworks.
4. Guy who keeps talking about how the girls want to play Slip-n-Slide even though no girls have arrived yet.
5. Guy who feels the need to play bartender despite the only drink options being beer and the hose.
6. Girl who unexpectedly dominates in beer pong but doesn’t understand the concept of beginner’s luck.
7. Guy who brought his acoustic guitar but then acts like he forgot about it. And then when people ask him to get it, he’s all like “Oh, don’t make me sing.” Then he grabs it and plays the opening chords to “Wonderwall,” which of course gets allllll the ladies to swoon, only to stop and say,”You know, I don’t think I remember the whole song,” when he totally does.
9. Guy who dressed in red, white, and blue who was a hit at the beginning of the party but feels more and more uncomfortable as the night goes on.
10. Guy who passed out in the kiddie pool way too early in the party, thus ruining it for everyone.
11. Guy who still won’t shut up during the fireworks
12. Girl who shows up wearing a bikini despite there not being a pool.
13. If there is a pool, girl who sits at the edge of the pool and then complains when she gets wet.
14. Guy who brings shitty beer, but only drinks the good stuff.
15. Jesus Christ, guy, just shut up and enjoy the fireworks.
16. Girl who says she LOVES flip cup, but then tells you she doesn’t drink beer when she plays.
17. The guy who nobody knows.*
*9 times out of 10, this ends up being the host of the party.