Becoming Friends With David Bowie

First off, calm down. Yes, you are in the same room as David Bowie. Resist trying to get your carbon on him. He's a professional – that whirring sound is from the ‘nano vacuums that cover his delicate frame. So extract your hand out of the bowl of dip and act a bit smoother: you are trying to meet, and possibly become best friends with, David Bowie – if you play your cards right.

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To start with, do not mention Diamond Dogs. I know you were going to go up to him and tell him how great Diamond Dogs is. Bowie hates to talk about it, much less even think of it. Yes, it's a great album. Never speak of it when you're within 10 meters of him. This sort of behavior would upset the alliances in the room and he is not a negotiator. You'll soon find yourself back on the street with the bindle you tramped in with.

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Instead, talk to the oldest person in the room. If able, engage this person in an affable conversation, until either you or they say something hilarious and are both in uprorious laughter, gaining attention from the audience of collected polite gentry. Bowie enjoys good-natured banter with the aristocracy and respects his elders and their wisdom, and will think the same of you, chatting with a gentleman. Bowie will invite you (and the elder statesman) into his inner circle.

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He will most likely offer you a drink. Refuse and say you would like to buy him a drink. This will shock his coterie, yet intrigue him into your character. Perhaps offer a bon mot about what a deal it is, the price of a drink to meet such a great actor. ‘

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That's right: blow past his music career and speak solely of his acting. Do you know how many chumps run up to him on a daily basis and start blabbing about how much his music means to them, blah blah blah? A lot of people. He knows who is he and what he does, and he certainly doesn't need a mouth-breather like you to remind him. ‘

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His acting, however, he is insecure about. A lot of people don't even know he's acted in a number of films. Don't go for low-hanging fruit like Labryinth. Go for something more obscure, like his role in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, or Absolute Beginners. Bowie needs someone to tell him how good of an actor he is. That person could be you. ‘

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When the conversation gets under way, and you and Bowie are talking and laughing, and Iman puts her hand on your shoulder as if to say 'you're OK in my book' ‘that's when you strike. Take a knife to the throat of the old gentleman you've drawn into this game. His blood will spew onto the Bowie court as you brutally murder an old man who was just trying to connect with a younger world, trying to understand why he sent all those men to die those many years ago.

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Yes, it's unmotivated, unjustifiable murder. But how badly do you want to be friends with the man who fell to earth? The correct answer is: enough to murder a kindly old gent. ‘

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Bowie's eyes will avert and he will say the right words to the right people to calm them, but this act – and this act alone – will make David Bowie your friend. ‘

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Why?

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Because that's all he knows. That's all he respects. The number of underlings that have died by his hand over the years are in the tens. It's not that he's a violent man, just a perfectionist, a true artist. Your act of homicide will have gained his admiration and respect. ‘ ‘

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At the end of the evening, after the body's been disposed of and everyone has changed into non blood-spattered attire, David Bowie will pull you aside and hand you a small metal ball. This is a direct line to Bowie made by technology the masses are unaware of. Any time you want to contact David, you will put this ball in your ear and sing the opening line of 'Word On A Wing'. If he answers, then you know you are finally friends with David Bowie. ‘