If you ‘??re like me, your childhood ended the night Uncle Steven decided to introduce you to ‘??Little Stevie. ‘? ‘ But for most of you, July 15th 2011, marks the day that your inner child finally chokes to death on it ‘??s own tears. That is the day Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II is released in theatres and sends a sorrowful farewell to Harry, Ron, and Hermione, all played by actors who we ‘??ve all imagined naked at some point. ‘
What ‘??s intriguing about the stories J.K. Rowling has createdis that they take place in our world, with all the same history and worldevents. The books even reference Playstation at one point. Harry ‘??s adventuresjust occur in a parallel society that is well hidden from us muggles, so wenever see any of it. But there are a few things about this alternate storyuniverse that were never quite explained. They ‘??re not necessarily plot holes,just details I think I would have liked to understand before Rowling jumpedship.
And it ‘??s because of the fact that she left these questions unanswered that I amforced to assume it ‘??s only because their answers are darker and more ungodlythan most readers could handle.
Questions like ‘? ‘
4. Does The Wizarding World Believe in God?
‘??Those are muggle religions! Wizards have no part in them!The worlds are strictly separate! ‘? ‘
Think about it, all of the major religious figures performed miracles. This iswhat stood them out, got people to follow them, and basically shaped the past2000 years. But all these miracles and acts of God are just every day shit inthe HPW. Jesus multiplied bread and fish to feed the hungry? Pshh, Howartsmakes food appear out of nowhere every morning at breakfast time. Moses turnedhis staff into a serpent? Harry could talk to that serpent, and then tell it togo fuck itself. Muhammad split the moon? That ‘? ‘ well, okay that last one ‘??s pretty cool, not gonna lie. Butthat ‘??s beside the point.
Jesus, Moses, and Muhammad, etc. were all just smartasswizards who tricked the muggles into thinking they were the hands of God. It ‘??skind of a hush-hush issue in the HPW that they all just try not to talk about.They just keep the holidays around cause, dude, presents. ‘
Either that or they all just worshipped Satan like normalwitches and wizard. Oh, that reminds me ‘? ‘
3. So Were the Salem Witch Trials Right This Whole Time?
of those accused of practicingwitchery were in fact, doing just that. Soooo, kinda makes you wonder how manyof those 33 actually had it coming.
Now I ‘??m not saying that the people who were killed deservedto die, but when performing witchcraft is punishable by death in your town, Idon ‘??t know, maybe don ‘??t fucking do it? I know for you wizards and witches it ‘??s considered ‘??beneath you ‘? ‘ to have to chop your own firewood with your hands when you couldjust wave a wand and have that shit done before you can say ‘??hail Satan, ‘? ‘ butfor the sake of, you know, living, I ‘??d say it ‘??s best to show some humility andpick up the hatchet, jackass.
To Muggles, the Salem Witch Trials are remembered as a timewhen people let their fear and superstition get the best of them, and a bunchof innocent lives were lost. To the Wizarding community, the trials areremembered as the time ‘??the muggles were onto us. ‘?? If anything they mightremember it as the closest thing that ever came to a Wizard Holocaust.
Oh, and speaking of the Holocaust ‘? ‘
2. WWII… Um… Where The Fuck Were You Guys?
‘We ‘??re still feeling the ripple effects of a war thathappened 6 wars ago. Hell, most of us are alive today thanks to WWII, seeing ashow the Baby Boom shows us that after Grandpa got done playing Call of DutyIRL, he came home and went balls deep on your Grandma. The sad part, however,is that there are people who
alive today because of WWII.
WWII was the deadliest conflict in mankind ‘??s history. Over 60million people lost their lives as a result of the war,
of them innocent civilians. This doesn ‘??t include the millionsmore who were never conceived and born because Grandpa ‘??s lower half (where allthe boning parts are) got blown to shit by a Panzer tank.
So, Wizards and Witches, why ‘? ‘ the fuck ‘? ‘ didn ‘??t you doanything to stop this? Someone might argue that the wizarding community just didn ‘??t know as they barely evenunderstand simple muggle things like cars and rubber ducks (a running joke inwhole book series). To that I call bullshit, because even if the wizards insay, Poland, didn ‘??t notice that half of their country was on fire, and thatthey suddenly had a harder time finding a good matzo balls in 1940, a lot ofwitches and wizards are born to muggle parents. That means they got a firsthandlook into muggle goings-ons, a.k.a World War Fucking Two.
You might also say that the wizards didn ‘??t intervene becauseit would expose their world to the muggles. 60 Million people dead and that ‘??syour best excuse? On the contrary you might say that they actually DIDintervene, but they used magic to keep it a secret. If that ‘??s the case thenthey did an absolute shit job, because again I emphasize: 60 million peopledead.
You Know What IThink?
Wizards and witches are assholes, let the whole thing happenfor their amusement, and most of them still laugh when they watch Schindler ‘??s List.
1. So, What ‘??s The Etiquette On Inter-Magical-Species Sex?
You knew it would come to this. It was always going to. Inour world, if a person has sex with a creature of another species, that ‘??sconsidered about 8 different kinds of fucked up. Bestiality is just anauseating thing in itself to think about, and is so utterly looked down uponthat we sometimes use it as a basis for profanity.
This might stem from the fact that we are people: we ‘??re intelligent,empathetic, and sophisticated beings. Meanwhile animals are just animals.However, in the HPW, this line isn ‘??t so clear-cut. In this world, they have allkinds of magical creatures that are basically just people with extra parts andabilities. Harry and his friends are saved by centaurs (half man/half horse) onmore than one occasion, there are mermaids living in the lake next to Hogwarts,and goblins (little midgets that look like burn victims) manage the wizardeconomy. And you KNOW that everyone is sexing it up with everyone.
FUCK ME WITH A 10-FOOT BROOMSTICK!!! That is like a 2-story walkingembodiment of orphan nightmares! And get this: according to Harry PotterWikipedia, Grawp was supposedly abandoned by their mother for being too small, meaning giants usually come muchlarger than that. So imagine Hagrid ‘??s dad gettin' down on something likethat, only a lot bigger and only a little prettier. ‘ Then try and wonder how much he must have been packing tosatisfy such a woman.
So in the HPW, that ‘??s just considered okay? No one has aproblem with this? To be fair, it is mentioned that Hagrid isn ‘??t necessarilywelcome amongst the Giant community for being a half-breed, but that stems morefrom their prejudice against his human side as opposed to acknowledgement ofthe gross fact that he ‘??s the result of all kinds of sloppy wet inter-species humping.
You Know What IThink?
The Wizards, Witches, and Magical Creatures in the HPW aresome kinky motherfuckers that dwarf (see what I did there?) any type ofperversions that we pitiful muggles could ever come up with in the sticky darkreaches of our most depraved sexual fantasies. And this is the SOLE reason whyI must meet Emma Watson before I die.