By: Cory Matthews
1. To Fix the Nation's Budget
“This country’s fucked.”
-President Obama, yesterday, the day before, whatever (It doesn’t matter when you’re reading this, that statement holds true forever)
The country needs some cash. Fast. How are they gonna do that, you ask? Job creation? Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize you were retarded. Obviously, we all already have jobs – where else are we sitting around streaming reruns of Newsradio and Woody Allen movies that aren’t Annie Hall? So maybe Netflix is in cahoots with the government and this is step one to fixing our nation. Look, there are roughly 25 million Netflix subscribers. Let me crunch some numbers here – excuse me while I take out my abacus – that’s $1.8 Billion we can put toward the economy.
While this may not be a likely theory, it actually makes a lot of sense. And clearly, I should be running this country. First order of business: more Cool Ranch Doritos in the White House snack room. And a free Netflix account.
2. Actually Just an Attempt to Get Back That One DVD That's Been Sitting on Your Coffee Table for Two Years
In all seriousness, this seems the most probable. And a genius move on Netflix’s part. Well played. It all makes sense; they’re likely out of DVDs, having shipped them off to subscribers who think they want to watch a documentary on The Lord’s Resistance Army in Uganda, but realize that no good can come of watching that and if anything it will just make them depressed.
Anyway the gut reaction of many customers to the price hike was the cancel their subscription, which would require them to send back any unwatched DVDs. Essentially, Netflix is doing some inventory here. Get all their supplies in order and then reopen for business at their regular price. It’s like when you realize you can’t find your Camp Nowhere DVD but don’t know who you lent it to, so you email all your friends saying they’re cut off until everyone returns what they’ve borrowed.
It’s just like that.
3. That's How Much It Costs to Get “The Wire” Available for Streaming
Sure? Maybe? Let’s hope so.
4. It Costs 6 Dollars to Keep Your Queue Accurate
This one’s a little far-fetched, but I have a feeling that there’s some asshole in the Netflix office who likes fucking with people’s queues. I have no proof, granted, but I also have no recollection of adding Pay it Forward to the top of my queue. I mean, I’ll watch it because it exists and that’s sort of Netflix’s lifeblood (watching everything you’re not dying to see, but would because it’s there). But I certainly did not add it, myself. Connect the dots and there’s someone who needs to get paid off. I bet his name is Jaime. And he’s a dick. Six bucks a month oughta do it.
5. They Felt it Was Reasonable to Ask For 6 More Dollars For EVERY MOVIE EVER
Maybe, just maybe, Netflix thought it was reasonable to ask you to fork over the cost of a turkey sandwich at Subway (inexcusably not offered as part of the $5 footlong deal), for every movie ever made.
Listen, if you can’t afford six more dollars what ultimately is a luxury service, that’s fine. But then perhaps you should be rethinking your priorities. Maybe watching three seasons of Veronica Mars in what you will eventually deem the best weekend of your life should take a backseat to say, feeding your family with turkey sandwiches from Subway.
Eff them. ‘