By: Keith Saltojanes
President Obama Dies in Ironic Crash
Keystone, South Dakota-
In was confirmed today that the 44th President of the United States of America, Barack Obama, along with 7 other passengers, have been killed today in an ironic plane crash.
Earlier this morning, President Obama was on his way to his hometown of Chicago for a meeting after departing Seattle earlier that morning, when The President’s plane, Air Force One, got “dangerously low” to the mountains below in the Black Hills region of South Dakota.
Judy Bristol, a presidential flight attendant and only survivor, fell into a coma after the event and awoke only for a moment to say this:
“At about 10:42am, our pilot, ex-Air Force flyer Captain Steve Hawkins, announced that they were crossing the area. President Obama immediately interrupted his board room meeting with a ‘Black Hills? Isn’t that where Mount Rushmore is?’ In which one of his advisers confirmed that it indeed was.”
After Bristol came back out of her coma a second time she added:
“The President quickly ran over to the window and started yelling ‘I’ve never seen it before. I want to see it, I want to see it!’ What could we do? He was the president, so Captain Hawkins obliged.”
Eyewitness reports from tourists below state that the large Boeing 747 quickly decreased altitude and then circled back around even lower just around the famed monument of the four American Presidents. Moments later, the plane disappeared out of sight and a large explosion was heard followed by smoke rising from the Hills.
Emergency vehicles were dispatched and reached the area within 10 minutes to find pieces of the craft spread across a two mile stretch of the area. Everyone was killed upon impact, with the exception of Bristol, who is waking up again…
“He wanted a picture so damn badly. The pilot kept saying, 'We are too low, we have to pull up.’ Which President Obama responded, ‘Stop being a pussy, and get me closer!”
Vice President Joe Biden was given the news at about 12:06 pm that he would now be the President of The United States, in which Biden replied “I have to do what now?.”
Hilary Clinton, now the Vice-President, responded to the terrible news by only saying, “One step closer.”
A later report came in that one forensic detective said he had discovered a compact disc in the flight’s wrecked stereo system, the 1971 release by Don McLean “American Pie” that was “most-likely” playing the album’s title track during the time of impact because “that song is so damn long.”