By: Your Aunt Diane
I’m Your Aunt Diane, an artist and jewelry designer in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Everyone knows the sexual basics, like how the most erotic song you can make love to is an audio track of yourself describing a heavy desert rain, but I want to share some lesser-known tips with you. May these help you achieve the physical, emotional and spiritual climax you deserve:
1. Spice up your lovemaking and go green by adding a trellis to your bedroom.
2. Leave a treat for your partner to find in the morning by painting a gecko on their perineum while they sleep.
3. Try making love in a canyon! But remember, it takes roughly an hour for an echo to bounce back inside of one and for wolves to track the scent of coitus, so make sure to scream, “run!” right as you start to undress.
4. Forgo French kissing for the more erotic Salvadorian kissing, where your tongue licks around the outside of the mouth.
5. Never trim your poor pubic pelt into something like a “landing strip”. Every man I have ever been with has loved my “dream catcher”.
6. Make love to at least one seventy-year-old Comanche river boat captain.
7. Try giving your genitals a festive look by draping them in Genital Tinsel. You can pick up a bag at my jewelry kiosk, located at the Santa Fe Outlets, right behind the disgusting corporate behemoth California Pizza Kitchen.?
8. Bottle your own natural erotic lubricant. I make mine out of a mixture of coconut oil, yam pulp, and underbreast perspiration.
9. Make love as part of an art installation. The sex, combined with the public statement you are making, will combine for a truly powerful climax.
10. The closer a man’s naked body is to looking like Edward James Olmos, a jagged brown sedimentary rock, or both, the more intense the love-making will be.
11. Find ways to add sexual pleasure to other daily activities! For example, during yoga, I recommend doing a sun salutation with a completely erect penis inside of you.
12. Sex doesn’t have to occur only in the bedroom, and it rarely should. Try hosting an adult slip-n-slide in your front yard. Tell everyone to bring a gallon of herbal Chokecherry body lotion and a zest for touching!
13. Give up utensils and eat only out of the folds of your lover’s skin. (Soups might be difficult.)
14. Being pregnant does not have to impede sexual expression. Simply stop by The Learning Annex and sign up for one of my Tantric Lamaze classes.
15. Make and then swallow a miniature wind chime. With each thrust of your pelvis, it will provide beautiful music for your love-making session. The chime might tear up your esophagus on the way down, but music heals ALL wounds!