To My White House Chief of Staff, Mr. Bill Parcells:
By now you know I’ve been elected President of the United States. Well, let me tell you something ‘ nap time’s over. We’ve been too soft for too long. The list below maps out all the changes I need carried out now that we’re putting a real man in the White House.
10. The Oval Office
A big circle? I don’t think so, fancy boy. The POTUS needs a mancave with corners as sharp and chiseled as his jaw line. First order of business after getting sworn in is taking a couple wrecking balls to that room. (Wrecking Balls are what I call my fists.)
9. Swearing In
Speaking of the swearing in, I could barely keep my eyes open at the last one. And who was that chubbs woman with the bow hat? If we’re gonna swear someone in, let’s swear someone in. Chubbs-With-The-Bow-Hat’s performance will be replaced by a free, outdoor screening of Field of Dreams. And I won’t be putting my hand on the Bible. You can tell everything you need to know about a man by the strength of his handshake. That’ll be good enough.
8. The American Flag 50 stars are too many. It looks like my niece’s Trapper Keeper and I’m from the Lone Star state for a reason. I’ll allow as many as 10. Use them wisely.
7. Hail to the Chief Gone. The new song is “Beer for My Horses” by Toby Keith.
6. Air Force One I only fly with Captain Sully Sullenberger. He’s a close personal friend of mine from the Kiwanis Club. Also I’m gonna need stewardesses on that plane, not flight attendants. There’s a difference.
5. Correspondent’s Dinner. Seth Meyers out. Stephen Colbert out. Angus T. Jones in. And that joke I keep telling about Condoleezza Rice and the 12″ pianist- you gotta act like it’s the first time you’re hearing it. Also, absolutely no jokes at my expense. The only approved topic is the differences between Fort Worth cowboys and San Antonio cowboys.
4. Camp David
Was just informed by Jeb that Camp David is not really for camping. And that there’s a house there. That’s not gonna work for me. Real camping puts hair on your chest and m’boy Griffin’s getting soft in the middle. We’ll eat what we catch, thanks.
3. Soccer
Yeah, not on my watch, pal.
2.Power ties
The entire cabinet wears red; no exceptions. A bright color catches the eye and makes you focus on the man wearing it. If we want the Middle East to take us seriously, we gotta show ’em we mean business. Now that’s the first and last fashion tip you’ll hear outta me, Sally. I’m not hosting some Project Funway so don’t get all queer on me.
1. Secret Service
Get rid of em. Rick Perry fights his own battles, thank you very much.
That’s it for now. If you got any questions, you come see me. None of this fancy “email” garbage I keep hearing about.
Toni Charline is joined in the munchies kitchen by actress Rachel Bloom (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend), who introduces her to the French cheesy mashed potato dish ‘Aligot’ whilst also losing the ability to stand upright.
