To My White House Chief of Staff, Mr. Bill Parcells:
By now you know I’ve been elected President of the United States. Well, let me tell you something ‘ nap time’s over. We’ve been too soft for too long. The list below maps out all the changes I need carried out now that we’re putting a real man in the White House.
10. The Oval Office
A big circle? I don’t think so, fancy boy. The POTUS needs a mancave with corners as sharp and chiseled as his jaw line. First order of business after getting sworn in is taking a couple wrecking balls to that room. (Wrecking Balls are what I call my fists.)
9. Swearing In
Speaking of the swearing in, I could barely keep my eyes open at the last one. And who was that chubbs woman with the bow hat? If we’re gonna swear someone in, let’s swear someone in. Chubbs-With-The-Bow-Hat’s performance will be replaced by a free, outdoor screening of Field of Dreams. And I won’t be putting my hand on the Bible. You can tell everything you need to know about a man by the strength of his handshake. That’ll be good enough.
8. The American Flag 50 stars are too many. It looks like my niece’s Trapper Keeper and I’m from the Lone Star state for a reason. I’ll allow as many as 10. Use them wisely.
7. Hail to the Chief Gone. The new song is “Beer for My Horses” by Toby Keith.
6. Air Force One I only fly with Captain Sully Sullenberger. He’s a close personal friend of mine from the Kiwanis Club. Also I’m gonna need stewardesses on that plane, not flight attendants. There’s a difference.
5. Correspondent’s Dinner. Seth Meyers out. Stephen Colbert out. Angus T. Jones in. And that joke I keep telling about Condoleezza Rice and the 12″ pianist- you gotta act like it’s the first time you’re hearing it. Also, absolutely no jokes at my expense. The only approved topic is the differences between Fort Worth cowboys and San Antonio cowboys.
4. Camp David
Was just informed by Jeb that Camp David is not really for camping. And that there’s a house there. That’s not gonna work for me. Real camping puts hair on your chest and m’boy Griffin’s getting soft in the middle. We’ll eat what we catch, thanks.
Yeah, not on my watch, pal.
The entire cabinet wears red; no exceptions. A bright color catches the eye and makes you focus on the man wearing it. If we want the Middle East to take us seriously, we gotta show ’em we mean business. Now that’s the first and last fashion tip you’ll hear outta me, Sally. I’m not hosting some Project Funway so don’t get all queer on me.
1. Secret Service
Get rid of em. Rick Perry fights his own battles, thank you very much.
That’s it for now. If you got any questions, you come see me. None of this fancy “email” garbage I keep hearing about.
The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
The technical storage or access is necessary for the legitimate purpose of storing preferences that are not requested by the subscriber or user.
The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for statistical purposes.The technical storage or access that is used exclusively for anonymous statistical purposes. Without a subpoena, voluntary compliance on the part of your Internet Service Provider, or additional records from a third party, information stored or retrieved for this purpose alone cannot usually be used to identify you.
The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.