By: Dan Abramson
The NFL Recap Returns! Peyton’s Dead, The Bills Exist, and Milhouse Plays D
- Hey guys! Welcome to the 2011 NFL Recap. If you're new around here, oh boy, you are in for a treat. And by treat, I mean “sorry if you saw this and had high expectations.” But to bring you up to speed, here's how we do things around here:
Give poor analysis of NFL coverage, while eschewing major points in favor of dick jokes when they present themselves
- Show a strong bias toward the Buffalo Bills
For the record, I've never set foot in Buffalo. “How did you end up a Bills fan,” you're likely asking. And that's a great question. And here's the answer: Poor life decisions. And considering the pain I've suffered as a result of those decisions, I feel I have the right to talk about them incessantly and you have to listen because deep down you feel very bad for me.
That's pretty much it. And I'm actually worried about the dick jokes this year as Brett Favre is off texting photos of his penis to his lawn mower right about now.
Oh, and while we're at it. Some changes from last year. A moratorium on the Ben Roethlisberger rape jokes. He's a married man now. We all saw the picture of the ceremony in which he bashed a woman over the head with his a cartoon bat and dragged her into his cave. So let him be.
Also a moratorium on calling Michael Vick a dogfighter. He's now a 100 million dollar dog-fighter.
Oh. One more thing to remember. I will not cover every game, as I'm not a professional sportswriter. Not like Peter King:
So let's get started shall we? What happened on Sunday? This commercial pitchman died:
No no. Not that one. This one:
With Manning having passed away, the Colts were beat down by Warren Moon and the Houston Texans. And after the shellacking, the media was very quick to note how an inactive Manning should be a shoe-in for the MVP award despite being hurt. Cool joke, media. LOLOLOLOL. Very apt analysis. Was there ever a question that Manning was valuable to this team? It's going to be a sad day when Manning
plays his final snap. There is no other quarterback in the league that's given as much attention for doing nothing other than throwing an oblong piece of leather and nothing else. Let's look at some of the other QB's of the era, all of whom are equally known for off-the-field activities.
- Tom Brady: Great QB. Excellent lover.
- Michael Vick: Great QB. Excellent dog fighter.*
- Ben Roethlisberger: Great QB. Excellent rapist.*
- Drew Brees: Great QB. Excellent looking child (I’m not at all reaching on this one. Look at this kid. Adorbz.)
The only person who should be happy about Peyton's demise is Eli Manning, who has decades of pent up rage toward an older brother who likely spent his teenage years telling him to get in the backseat, only to drive a few feet forward.
Speaking of Eli, he took on the Rex Grossman-led Washington Redskins in a game that featured the only two starting quarterbacks who look like they got lost in a FunTime USA and wasted all their prize tickets on 30 finger puppets when they couldn't find their parents.
- Anyway, the Redskins won. Good for them and their yellow pants. Anyway, can we talk about the Bills yet? Great. Cool. I'm calling the shots.
Soooo the Bills are the best team in the NFL, right? Like if we're basing this on margin of victory over a playoff team…number one? Yup. Glad we're on the same page here. JK. JK forever. I know they will soon come crashing down to earth and reclaim their role as the worst, but I'd like to use this opportunity to break down their key starters.
- Undrafted running back
- Undrafted wide-receiver
- Seventh round draft pick wide-receiver
- Some fucking guy as a tight end.
They essentially have a feel-good football movie plot for a roster. “In theaters this fall, what happens when the NFL lets a team full of handicapped kids compete in the league… The Buffalo Bills 2011.”
I know they won big yesterday, but I have to imagine that their coach has a “you're all winners in my book” speech prepared for when the Patriots crush them and sleep with their wives.
And when they play those Patriots, with this roster, it's going to be like in Little Giants when the, well, Little Giants, took on Al Bundy and the boys.
“Very good Little Giants reference.” — The three Little Giants fans reading this.
Speaking of the Patriots, who've yet to play as of this posting, did you know they haven't won a Super Bowl in six seasons? That's strangely gratifying. Not that it matters to them. Tom Brady can go home and cry himself to sleep, while burying his head in his super model wife's vagina.
Moving along: Packers vs. Saints — what a great way to kick off the season. I loved that both teams decided to pull their goalies. Or at least the Packers did. I'm pretty sure that the Saints just put in Milhouse.
I'm gonna put this out there. I love Aaron Rodgers. The dude just gets it done. And the fact that he can balance football with his gig in Scranton is a testament to how hard he works.
Hm. Let's see. What else happened this weekend? The Lions continued their preseason momentum with an impressive win over the Bucs. Though Matthew Stafford reportedly broke his hand in a postgame thumb-wrestling match with Calvin Johnson. And while yes, the team played well, it should be acknowledged that Bucs QB Josh Freeman may have had Soul Glo in his eyes.
A quick thought on the Chicago Bears “upset” of the Falcons. Just because everyone decided that the Falcons are going to the Super Bowl this year doesn't mean that the Bears didn't make it the NFC Championship last year. Because they did. Now calm down everyone. Both teams are good. The Bears just happen to start a guy at QB that looks like he groped your girlfriend at a frat party.
So Cam Newton, amirite? AMIRITE?
The Jets won after playing like shit for 45 minutes. I'm not exactly sure what happened during the final quarter, as that the game's broadcast was interrupted and NBC just showed a Dallas Cowboys blooper reel.
Blah blah Donovan McNabb is old. He's Brett Favre without a cell phone.
The Jaguars still have a team. Apparently so do the Titans.
Some other stuff probably happened to – like how everyone on the Rams apparently died – but I'm getting tired and don't feel like thinking about it anymore.
See you next week.