13 More Netflix Announcements

So we're all in agreement that despite offering every movie ever made, Netflix is now the absolute worst, right? Great. Glad we're on the same page. ‘

If you hadn't heard, Netflix has continued to make logical choices in the wake of its celebrated price hike, announcing a plan to split its streaming and DVD services into two separate companies. Streaming will continue to be called Netflix, while DVDs will be now known as “Qwikster,” which is obviously a great name that will inspire even better brand recognition. ‘

• A few times in the press release they actually said “every one can go fuck themselves”
• They are forcing your grandparents to throw out the VHS copy of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom you’ve watched at their place for the last twenty years
• They will be merging with MySpace and calling themselves “Throwing in the Towel, Inc”
• If you would like to be slapped in the face by their CEO, that can be made available
• For an extra 8 bucks a month, you can have random movies deleted from your queue (For clarification, this is actually happening. By having a separate account for DVDs, you will now have two queues. Actually three. One for streaming. One for DVDs. On for a list of all reasons Netflix hates you personally.)
• $9.99/month for a service that alerts you every time their CEO makes a public apology
• Their streaming selection now consists only Cameron Crowe’s last few movies and the JTT-less seasons of Home Improvement
• They probably said something about Jews in there. Don’t know for sure, but we can all assume it.
• Local Qwikster stores will open all over the country and rent DVDs to people for three nights at a time.