By: Cory Matthews

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13 More Netflix Announcements

So we're all in agreement that despite offering every movie ever made, Netflix is now the absolute worst, right? Great. Glad we're on the same page. ‘

If you hadn't heard, Netflix has continued to make logical choices in the wake of its celebrated price hike, announcing a plan to split its streaming and DVD services into two separate companies. Streaming will continue to be called Netflix, while DVDs will be now known as “Qwikster,” which is obviously a great name that will inspire even better brand recognition. ‘

But lost in this declaration of idiocy were thirteen other announcements that should not be overlooked. Here’s a rundown:

  • All the shows you wish were available for streaming will be available on BetaMax for an extra $14.99
  • Now selling a brand new machine that rewinds DVDs for you
  • A streaming option in which you watch the Netflix offices literally implode
  • The website will now be offering a live feed of @Qwikster, which is not owned by Netflix, but by a weed smoking Elmo. Seriously. See below:


  • A few times in the press release they actually said “every one can go fuck themselves”
  • They are forcing your grandparents to throw out the VHS copy of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom you’ve watched at their place for the last twenty years
  • They will be merging with MySpace and calling themselves “Throwing in the Towel, Inc”
  • If you would like to be slapped in the face by their CEO, that can be made available
  • For an extra 8 bucks a month, you can have random movies deleted from your queue (For clarification, this is actually happening. By having a separate account for DVDs, you will now have two queues. Actually three. One for streaming. One for DVDs. On for a list of all reasons Netflix hates you personally.)
  • $9.99/month for a service that alerts you every time their CEO makes a public apology
  • Their streaming selection now consists only Cameron Crowe’s last few movies and the JTT-less seasons of Home Improvement
  • They probably said something about Jews in there. Don’t know for sure, but we can all assume it.
  • Local Qwikster stores will open all over the country and rent DVDs to people for three nights at a time.

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