By: John Zachary Townsend
Dear Mrs. Sota,
My name is Phil “Death Blud” Giles, the Director of ‘Camp ‘Affairs at ‘P.G.P.C.F.N.P.K., The Phil Giles Phat ‘Camp For Non-Phat Kids. I am writing to inform you that we will be sending your son Max home due to bad behavior.
To be blunt, your son is fat. You have clearly sent your son here with the intention of losing weight. Losing weight is not the purpose of P.G.P.C.F.N.P.K. Our ‘camp’s purpose is to take kids who are not phat (as in not cool, not funky or fresh), and make them ‘phat ‘kids’. As in, cool kids. ‘Real fly guys/girls’. ‘Chill Ass Mofos (motherfuckers). ‘Way Cool Cucumbers’. ‘Wild and Crazy Guys!/Girls!’.
Perhaps you were confused by our name. I'm always the first to admit that our name sounds like the name of a fat camp. A fat camp is a camp with the specific intent to help kids lose weight, regardless of their phatness. Our fees are significantly lower than most of the fat camps in the area; perhaps you thought this was the best bargain; perhaps you thought we were a fat ‘camp with an Urban flavor; perhaps you thought you could slide one past us. I assure you, that is not the case.
Weight has nothing to do with being ‘PHAT. Fat Joe. The Notorious B.I.G. Rick Ross. These men are both ‘PHAT ‘and FAT. Raekwon, a FAT man, and Lil Wayne, a very THIN man, are equally ‘PHAT ‘(COOL/HIP/RIGHTEOUS).
Our big problem is not that your son wants to lose weight; our problem is your son’s attitude. Max refuses to eat the cafeteria food, calling it “fatty” and “non-nutritious”. Instead, Max brings a zip lock bag of carrots and celery to lunch each day. So weird.
Max’s attitude problem rears its ugly head in dance class as well. While other students learn to bump n’ grind, Max stands in the corner with an iPod, performing something he calls “jazzercise”; a “fun weight loss activity that gets you up on your feet” he says. Many students have complained it “crushes their buzz”. “Crushes their buzz” is phat kid slang for “ruins their merriment”. Last week, our dance teacher brought in a gaggle of strippers to dance with the boys, for them to test out their bump n' grind moves on. Max intervened and conducted a group therapy session with the strippers. This behavior is unacceptable.
Furthermore, Max has not attended a single Blunt Rolling class. In an email explaining his poor attendance, Max wrote “smoking gives me the munchies, and I really don’t want to cheat on my diet”. There are NO diets allowed here at ‘P.G.P.C.F.N.P.K. Diets are composed of RULES. RULES are for SQUARES. ‘PHAT ‘CAMP ‘is for PHAT ‘DUDES who play by THEIR OWN RULES. Not for SQUARES.
As I have said before, the focus of our ‘camp ‘is ‘phat ‘GAIN, not fat LOSS. We have no problem with your son’s desire to lose weight. Or to be the “Max of my dreams” as he creepily writes in his journal. Fine by us; it is possible to be both ‘PHAT ‘and THIN.
However, his refusal to partake in ‘camp ‘activities is the opposite of ‘phat. One week ago, I saw Max reading Vibe Magazine by the lake. “Right on ‘phat ‘brother!” I said to him. You can imagine my disappointment when I learned he was using the Vibe Magazine to cover up a copy of ‘the South Beach Diet. How he was able to sneak in a copy of ‘the South Beach Diet ‘is beyond me. We have very tight security here at ‘P.G.P.C.F.N.P.K.
We rarely give full refunds, but in the case of your son, we have decided to make an exception. As Max has (irritatingly) pointed out, you can use the refund money to “buy an elliptical machine”.
Best of luck raising this monstrosity,
Phil “Death Blud” Giles ‘?Camp ‘Director