By: Dan Abramson
Guys, sorry it's so late in the day that this recap is showing up. I've been busy intercepting Tom Brady passes. Get it? I can say that because he threw 100 interceptions on Sunday and also fuck Tom Brady…But we'll get to that. Oh yes…we'll get to that. Sorry, that just came off creepy. Like we'll get to the fucking of Tom Brady. I mean, yeah, that's inevitable, but not what I meant here.
Whatever, let's start over at the Sandlot, where Eli Manning showed up with his plastic mitt and giant-brimmed hat and asked Benny to be his surrogate father but it turned out a football game was being played and the Giants needed a child quarterback to face the Eagles. But guess what? Eli played great! His parents must be so proud of him.
Also in this game, Michael Vick got another booboo and then afterward complained that the refs were letting him get hit more than other quarterbacks. Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait. So let me make sure I follow you because I want to make sure I”m 100% on your side here, MIchael Vick, because that's a very cool story and I want to be positive I'm not missing anything: You, the guy who abandons the protection of the pocket more than anyone in the game and thereby exposing your body ‘ You, one of the most respected human beings in the game (for your character of course) ‘You are claiming that you're getting hit more than any other quarterback and it's unfair? You know what I love? Flawless logic. ‘
I don't know why, but it kind of reminds me of that scene in Batman: The Keaton Years, when the Joker's like “you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses.”
On to the Bills? Can we get the Bills? “Jesus Dan get the to team that only you care about already.” Ohhh, I misheard you. If you had said “get back to the first place Buffalo Bills who defeated the Kobra Kai yesterday,” I would have understood. I know I've used this picture before, but fuck it, here it is again ‘ a look at the Bill Belichick making in-game adjustments;
Some perspective for those casual fans: the Bills have not defeated the New England Patriots since 2003. And since then, it's been nearly 3000 days of bowing down to William Zabka and the gang. This victory was our Red Sox winning the World Series.
Moving along, the Packers beat the Bears. I didn't watch this game, nor have I read anything about it. But considering the teams involved, I have no problem making sweeping statements about how it went. So here goes: Aaron Rodgers continued to be the most electrifying quarterback nobody really feels the need to watch and the Bears' players all took turns going into the locker room, grabbing a gun and literally shooting themselves in the feet. Boom. Saved you three hours.
On to the Lions, the “Bills of the mid-west,” who stormed back to beat the Vikings. While I'd love to talk about the feel-good story that is their season so far, I just um, don't feel like it. Stop stealing the Bills' spotlight, Lions! So instead, I have a few words for the Minnesota Vikings and whoever calls their shots (The internet tells me it's Leslie Frazier, but I'm pretty positive it's Kirby Puckett): You have Adrian Peterson, arguably the best running back alive. You also have Donovan McNabb, a once-decent quarterback who lost his job in Washington when the Redskins decided they'd prefer to put a uniform on the ball-boy (AKA Rex Grossman AKA the poor man's Eli Manning) and tell him to throw “long bombs.” What I'm getting at is give the ball to Peterson. Give it to him all day. You and all his fantasy football owners will thank me.
Let's see, what else happened this weekend? The Colts continued to play without their local TV salesman and again trotted out Kerry Collins and called him “Quarterback.” Collins feels like the guy in your office who you really like, but know should be doing more with his life, so you're nice to him even though you don't really respect him. Also he's very old. And as such, he was injured in the game.
As a footnote: he was replaced by Sunshine from Remember the Titans.
Speaking of the Titans, the Titans played!!!!! That is all.
The Jets lost to Oakland in a game in which is Mark Sanchez apparently aged 20 years and was auditioning for the role of “dying solider in the next production of Band of Brothers.”
The Ravens defense slaughtered the Rams this weekend. They also played a football game.
There were other games I'm guessing. But let's be honest, do you need me to tell you that the Saints and Texans have high powered offenses? No. Go read that on IfYouLoveNewOrleansSoMuchWhyDontYouMarryIt.tumblr.com.
Do you really need me to tell you that the Bengals still have a team? No. Go read that on SorryThisBengalsBlogHasNotBeenUpdatedSinceBoomerEsiasonSuitedUp.blogspot.com.
Oh oh oh oh, I will however talk about the Monday night game that hasn't happened yet. Only because if for some reason you forgot that football is a dangerous sport that essentially breaks human bodies while raking in billions and billions of dollars, I must remind you of what Tony Romo is going through:
Last week Tony Romo suffered a broken rib and punctured lung after Jerry Jones shot him with a crossbow. And this week, he's not only being injected with painkillers, but he's WEARING A ‘ BULLET PROOF SHIELD SO HE CAN GO TO WORK.
Okay. That's all I got. We about done here? Great. See you guys next week.