10 Ways To Avoid The 2012 Election
Become a Sociopath
If there ‘??s one thingpoliticians love to do, it ‘??s play on our emotions: Kissing babies, reading letters from hospice patients they allegedly kissed, promising no taxes onkissing…
So take a page from people who lack a conscience, and actively choose not to give a shit.
Even if you ‘??re afull-blooded, hamburger-loving American, you can still find a way to get yourass kicked out of this country.
Burn a few flags, take a piss on the James Deanmemorial site, or buy a one-way ticket to Mexico. Whatever works. Just get the hell out of here while you still can.
Pull a Helen Keller
Everyone always bemoans the sad, deafblind life of poor Helen Keller. But what I'm proposing is…
Maybe she wins this round?
Booby Trap Your Home (a la 'Home Alone')
If people are going to knock on your front door for votes, you might as well demonstrate just how happy you are to see them with some third degree burns on their scalp. Thanks, Kevin McAllister, for teaching us how to mutilate solicitors!
Keep the change ya filthy animal.
Hide Your Minority Status
Oh, sure! Glass ceilings, racial profiling, and all around discrimination are just a few of the swell perks of being a minority. But what about all the fun of election year, when you become the target of those crucial minority votes??
Forsake the Internet
Nothing will make you lose faith in humanity like seeing an email from Barack Obama, getting super excited because he's inviting you to a dinner party, and then finding out quickly after that everyone (including, probably, your ex boyfriend) was invited too.
It's just really mean, you guys. 🙁
Avoid Street Artists
Unmarked walls, alley ways, barren street signs… GIRD YOURSELVES!
Thanks Shepard Fairey! I never knew my local Hallmark store was just a political statement waiting to happen.
No, really, thanks a fucking lot.
Donate Your Fortune to Charity
Politicians live lavish lifestyles, with fancy private jets and dinners cooked with golden goose eggs. So, guess who'll be helping them foot that bill?
All of us! Because politics know no class divides. No one is safe!
And BTW, any group that gives you a crappy bumper sticker in exchange for your generous donation can kiss off.
Don't Play “Burnout: Paradise”
Is nothing sacred?
No, the answer is no. Because apparently even gamers aren't safe from being herded into early voting.
Run to a Ms. Pacman as fast as you can!
Erase “Change” From Your Vocabulary
In an election year, positive words like “Change” and “Hope” can and will be appropriated to manipulate you.
However, you can take back some control and adopt an attitude that reflects the antonym to one of these words: Pessimism.