By: Dan Abramson
First of all, I'd like to apologize to those who were upset that I did not post a recap last week. I had a perfectly good explanation: I was busy purifying myself in the eyes of Jesus, as I knew the rapture was coming.
That's right, Denver's savior is here. And oh boy did he play amazingly for five minutes. Let's see what ESPN had to say about it:
Legendary win? Relax, ESPN.com. I know Chris Berman just came in his pants rattling off zingers like “T-Bo knows football and “T-Bo knows God because he's his father” but calm down. Tim Tebow looked awful for 55 minutes. Not only was he outplayed by Matt Moore and the guy who fetches the balls after the field goals, but for the majority of the game it looked like the Broncos had signed a Make-a-Wish kid and started him at quarterback.
Prior to those five minutes, Tebow had four completed passes. FOUR. IN FIFTY FIVE minutes. You know who had more completed passes during that period? Every other quarterback in the NFL. So, great comeback that may or may not have featured a divine intervention? Sure. Legendary performance? Incorrect.
So what does this win mean? “Experts” will continue to praise Tebow, emphasizing this glimpse into his talents while ignoring the fact that he had a worse performance than
. It also means Dolphins coach Tony Sparano's job is on the line. Then again…
Let's see. What else happened? Oh oh oh. Carson Palmer's back and looking like the Carson Palmer of old. Remember when Palmer decided to not play and the Bengals were like “Okay, no big deal”? Oh, and remember when the Raiders traded two first round picks to get Vinny Testaverde: The New Class? Good times. Palmer threw three picks in his Raiders debut, and I know he had no time to learn the playbook, but he did have a full year to learn to — wait, sorry to interrupt that joke, but I just found out that Palmer just threw another interception.
The Bears and Bucs faced off in London. Don't worry, guys. We sent the best Americans to represent our nation.
Matt Forte also scored eight touchdowns, played running back, left tackle, tight end, Jay Cutler's right arm, and also delivered a baby during the 3rd quarter. Yet he still has not gotten a new contract. Pay that man.
So I could talk about the Packers and the Vikings. I could, but what am I really going to add here? Packers are great. Aaron Rodgers is good at being a quarterback. Blah blah blah, here's the only thing you need to know about from this game. Fat men were kicking each other in the balls.
- The Browns and Seahawks played a game. I think. I tried to catch a few minutes, but it seems CBS decided to stop it at halftime because children may have been watching.
The Cowboys beat whatever St. Louis is calling a football team. Running back DeMarco Murray, filling in for an injured Emmitt Smith ran for 253 yards. I don't know how much you know about rushing records or counting numbers, but that's a lot of yards! Who is this guy? I know nothing about him, so let's just make up some facts:
DeMarco Murray is Eddie Murray's son
- DeMarco Murray is Eddie Murphy's cousin
- DeMarco Murray once slept with Jada Pinkett while Will Smith was distracted watching “Wild Wild West” and uttering things like “I don't understand why this wasn't huge” to himself.
- DeMarco Murray hates it when people make up fake facts about him.
Fair enough, DeMarco.
So I just feel bad for the Colts. It's not helping that they apparently have every nationally televised game this season, subjecting the whole country to their ineptitude. On the plus side, one the players' Dads showed up.