By: Dan Abramson
Alright, guys. Let's do this. Let's recap the shit out of Week 10. Football! Jokes! Maybe!
Okay I'll settle down. I don't have much to say this week, anyway. Plus I have a flight in a couple hours and I have to get to the airport early to stake out the Panda Express. Fun fact: The JFK Virgin America terminal is home to the only Panda Express in New York, which obviously is something the TSA should look into when they're not busy impregnating us lolololol! Sorry, that was a rejected joke from my November 2010 “TSA Recap.” Anyway, as you can see I'm just treading water until I fill up the page.
But fiiiine, let's get to the football.
The Bills? They make me sad. Like horribly sad. Not even a human being can toy with my emotions as much as this organization. How bad was their loss to the Cowboys? Well, first of all, CBS cut away from the game in the third quarter. The network that shows “Two and a Half Men” and ran “Becker” for six years was like “This is too brutal to show our viewers.” Secondly, Tony Romo left the football game feeling good about himself. That goes against everything the NFL stands for.
How about that NFC West, with its perfect weekend and such? Look, I was a little harsh on these guys last week, but you have to understand that it's because they are the worst ‘ and also I don't really care. Rams, Seahawks — sure they have uniforms and all, but if you wanted a pictures of Pete Carroll crying about the decisions he's made in his life, you're not going to get them here. I'm sure there's a FuckYeahPeteCarrollTears.tumblr.com for it.
As for the 49ers, the team can win out, finishing 15-1 and I'd probably skip covering them because Tom Brady had some split ends.
Tom, I know. I was just using you as an example. Just like your ex-girlfriend uses you for child support. TOM BRADY BURRRRRN!
Anyway, back to the NFC West. 49ers, great team, not going to deny it. Congrats, guys. Sorry I don't have more to add. And the Cardinals? They beat the best team of the preseason, the Philadelphia Eagles, behind the heroic play of Kevin Kolb. Wait, what? It wasn't the guy they gave a money bath after he started all of two games for another team? It was John Skelton? Impossible. That's not a real person. Nice try, Google search I just did to double-check the spelling of his last name.
Oh, by the way, Eagles fans: DeSean Jackson hates you. Not in a collective way or anything. Like he actually has it out for each and every one of you. Just thought you should know.
The Bears crushed the Lions on Sunday. Devin Hester continued to be Devin Hester. Matt Forte continued to score touchdowns. Jay Cutler continued to have this face.
Speaking of which, I came across this picture of him lounging poolside with Kristin Cavallari.
Could we zoom in a bit?
Perfect. Great photoshopping, team.
The Packers won again. Aaron Rodgers threw 18 touchdown passes. It's actually getting kind of boring, guys. Let's liven things up.
The Raiders took down San Diego in a game played on Thursday night on a network that nobody actually gets so I can't prove that it actually happened. Cool use of your zillions of dollars, NFL.
Did Colts play this week? I honestly don't know. They may have had a bye, but I'm going to assume they lost even if they did. There's no life to this team. I'm beginning to think they're all playing ironically.
Matt Schaub, Matt Cassel and Matt Stafford ('The Matts,' as they go by in NFL Teen Beat) got booboos this week. Schaub and Cassel are possibly done for the year, though honestly I think it's a couple of cheap attempts to emulate Peyton.
But it's not all bad news for Houston. Look who they're getting as their starting QB.
That's it. To Panda Express I go. Teaser for next week: a section on how to properly request “Double Order Orange Chicken.” (HINT: the key is to act like you didn't realize you wanted a second helping, otherwise they skimp out.)