Handicapping the GOP Race Based on Looks

Rick Perry

Female Cousin: I feel like the whole bumbling press conference/debate thing is his calculated attempt at becoming ‘ Stevie Ray Hugh Grant Vaughan. You don’t think he’s going to win this election, and suddenly he shows up at the polls with a “To Me You’re Perfect” sign and all is right in the world. I’m mixing up my British romantic comedies here, but you know what I mean. Also his hair looks pretty good for a guy who insists on getting it cut at Sports Clips.

Gay brother: He looks like Josh Brolin impregnated Mount Rushmore.

Republican ex-girlfriend: Are you fucking kidding me? You’re calling me for this? Honestly if this isn’t about returning my Evanescence CD I don’t want to hear it. ‘

Chance of Winning: 36.7 uh ‘%

Herman Cain

Female Cousin: I love that this guy decided the best way to counter claims of sexual harassment was the “I don’t even remember the girl” defense. Herman Cain and Brett Ratner clearly go to the same life coach. That life coach? Joe Paterno (thank you, I’m here all week.)

Gay Brother: I know I’m gay, and should be especially sensitive to stereotypes and generalizations, but I still have a hard time differentiating between him, Clarence Thomas and Kwame Kilpatrick. And it’s not really because of looks. Incidentally do you think Herman Cain would have had an easier time identifying Libya if it was referred to as the vagina of North Africa? ‘

Republican ex-girlfriend: What’s that? The Evanescence CD was part of the problem? Fuck you. If you hated them so much why did you borrow the CD? Do you now only date girls with framed copies of Nashville Skyline in their bedroom and ironic wolf fixations? I shop at Anthropologie. I wear Tom’s shoes.

Chance of Winning: 9.99%

Mitt Romney

Female Cousin: He looks like the guy who has a drinking problem at some Ivy League because he’s Irish or from Chicago or something. His girlfriend, eventual wife, is always trying to watch his drinking as he is either an extremely angry drunk or an extremely happy drunk who sings Karaoke when there’s no mike. However when he’s not drinking he’s like a Kennedy without the pedigree. And given Romney never drinks, there you go.

Gay brother: I know this guy doesn’t drink given he’s Mormon, but don’t you get the feeling that’s just a ruse so he can cover up his alternative identity, the Coors Light beerwolf ‘

Republican ex-girlfriend: He kind of looks like a character in a Brett Easton Ellis novel. Don’t ask how I know who Brett Easton Ellis is you condescending prick. A lot of smart people are communications majors in college. Sorry I didn’t study English to subsequently watch a decade’s worth of literary ambitions devolve into jokes about Michelle Bachmann’s dildo. Gen X Raymond Carver my ass. ‘

Chance of Winning: 60%

Rick Santorum

Female Cousin: You know those Lifetime movies about date rape where all the jocks take advantage of the girl at a house party while some squirrely guy watches the door? To me that’s both how Rick Santorum looks and an ideal metaphor for what a Rick Santorum presidency would do to this country.

Gay Brother: I’m pretty sure this guy’s favorite movie is the Human Centipede. His second favorite? The second Human Centipede. His third favorite? Jack and Jill.

Republican ex-girlfriend: Yes, I realize that by voting for McCain in 2008 I also expressed confidence in Sarah Palin as an elected official. But you knew those things before we started to date. And you didn’t seem to have a problem with it when I asked to have celebration sex after the Citizens United Decision.

Chance of Winning: -666%

Jon Huntsman

Female Cousin: I know this guy is fluent in Mandarin. I know he worked in the Obama administration. I know he listens to Captain Beefheart. I know he’s the Republican I’d be most comfortable going out on a date with. But I’m also pretty certain he owns a pair of camouflage Oakleys. And I can’t get past that.

Gay Brother: I’d be totally fine sleeping with him. But if I’m going to sleep with him why wouldn’t I fuck either Obama or Romney instead?

Republican ex-girlfriend: Do I ever think about us? Why are you doing this right now? I think about us. All the time. Last night I was watching Fa La L a La Lifetime, because it’s almost Christmas and that was our favorite time of year. It’s the one where Christine Baranski is the put-upon mother seduced by the hot new restaurateur. I couldn’t stop crying. Now you’re crying. Come over. ‘And bring Evanescence.

Chance of Winning: 13:31% (it’s a palindrome of unluckiness for poor Huntsman!)

And the Winner Is ‘

Michelle Bachman!

‘Like it was every actually in question ‘

‘Chance of Winning (our hearts): 1,000,000%