By: Evan Greenspoon

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Pepper Spray Users Manual



Congratulations! You completed your 20-minute training seminar on crowd control, and now you're ready to Pepper Spray!

Pepper Spray — also known as OC spray or capsicum spray or “the sissy gun” — is a lachrymatory agent that causes severe pain and even temporary blindness. Pepper Spray is not a toy! That's why you must follow each of these following steps carefully before you play with it:

  1. Assess the situation. Does the situation warrant the use of Pepper Spray? There’s really no right or wrong answer here. As a rule of thumb, if you need to “assess the situation” at all, chances are you’re gonna want to use some Pepper Spray.
  2. Ask yourself: Are the protesters unruly? If so, DO NOT use Pepper Spray. I repeat: DON’T YOU DARE use Pepper Spray on unruly protesters. They just don’t like it. ONLY use Pepper Spray on protesters who are calm and (preferrably) seated. IF the protesters are singing too loudly or waving their banners too freely, simply wait till they’re all tuckered out before proceeding to the next step.
  3. Issue a firm command that the protesters need to leave the premises. The Department has a specific script for this that you need to memorize: “Git, ya hear? I say git! I gotta can gonna make you git…”
  4. Fiddle with your holster to let them know you’re serious.
  5. Remove canister of Pepper Spray from your holster and shrug liberally. And I mean liberally. Let the protesters know you mean business with your fly-by-night, liberal use of full-shouldered shrugs.
  6. Grip the trigger tightly. Remove the safety cap. Let your wrist go limp. Just let that can dangle off your fingers like a ripe Georgia peach.
  7. Now spray them. Spray them all.
  8. Keep spraying. That’s it.
  9. Yes. Keep spraying.
  10. Spray them.
  11. Yes. Spray them.
  12. Shake the can a bit. Yep, there’s still some more in there.
  13. Spray them.
  14. Yep.
  15. Uh huh. Keep spraying.
  16. Yep. Spray them.
  17. Now sing a song! Nothing makes the time pass on a hard day of spraying like a good old-fashioned work song. (For help choosing your perfect work song, please complete the Workbook accompanying this Manual.) I’d recommend something like “dee-da-da-deedle-ee-dee” or a “ba-da-ba-dum-ba-dum-dum-bop!” You know. Something catchy. Like a “doo-ba-sha-la-la-laaa!” Or just a “woooo-bee-bee-beep!” Like one of those.
  18. Keep spraying.
  19. Aaaannndddd keep spraying.
  20. Right. So you basically just keep spraying.
  21. Now you stop — unless, of course, you have any Pepper Spray left, in which case, you keep spraying.

And there you have it! Twenty-one easy steps for responsibly dispensing Pepper Spray on a crowd of protesters. Was that so hard? It shouldn't be.

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