By: Dan Abramson
Before I get going on this, there’s something I must address: I don’t usually pay attention to comments, since it’s the internet and I assume everyone has just written “Gay” or “Fake” or “Fake and Gay.” Pretty solid reasoning, I’m sure, but last week was different as I offered a challenge for readers that required them to leave comments. As such, I found myself checking said comments and in doing so, I came across someone accusing me of not providing apt analysis, saying that it seemed like I just checked NFL.com for a minute then wrote this up.
First of all, that couldn’t be further from the truth. I check Rotoworld.com because it loads much faster than NFL.com or ESPN.com, allowing me to spend even less time than you, my dear commentor, condescendingly imagined.
Second of all, I’m glad you took the time to come to the humor website, Funny or Die, to complain that I wasn’t properly analyzing 15 football games. Very cool thing to do.
Alright, that’s out of my system. And to be clear, I’m not actually offended by the comment. I just want to remind folks that if you would like in depth coverage of the NFL, there are other outlets. Here’s one, if you’d like to check it now.
Okay! Let’s go! Football!
The Packers lost the Chiefs. RIP perfect season. Congratulations are in order for the 1972 Miami Dolphins, who by playing a shorter season in an era where out-of-shape, elderly white men could dominate the league, continued to the be the best team of all time. Our hats are off to those proud gentleman.
Also, Packers fans, I wouldn’t worry about the loss. It’s good for you. No pressure now, right? Plus, you start an emotionless robot with a literal cannon for an arm at quarterback. He will not be affected by this whatsoever.
Speaking of quarterbacks, two deities faced off in New England this weekend, with Tom Brady putting an end to Tim Tebow's improbable run. To be fair, Tebow did miraculously heal one of the Patriots injured players:
He also converted three Jewish team doctors to Christianity, which like many of Tebow's achievements this season, is one of those stats that don't show up in the box score.
Has anyone noticed that Cardinals are now 7-7 and John Skelton is 4-1 as a starter and has as many 4th quarter comebacks as Tebow? Just because he's not the son of God and doesn't have an internet meme (The very hip and fun Tebowing, which is essentially just planking for Christians), we don't hear about him. Also, I have no idea who John Skelton is. Details, I guess.
Let's talk about the Bills, shall we? I've got a few things to say.
- Ryan Fitzpatrick. A round of applause for a guy who made sure secured a $60 million dollar contract before deciding that he has no business being in the NFL. People have begun wondering if it's a lack of motivation since getting paid that's causing the slump. Valid theory. I'd say it's missing his receivers by 10 yards and the throwing the ball to the wrong team that's at the heart of the problem. But what do I know?
- I've been just as impressed with their collapse as I was with their fast start. Nobody expected either and if anything, people are talking about them just as much now as they were then. People haven't been talking about Buffalo this frequently since Terrell Owens' car broke down in Western New York and they were like “Nearest gas station isn't for a hundred miles. Sign this contract and we'll give you a tow.”
- They'd still beat the 1972 Dolphins.
And the Colts are on the board! Dad looks so happy!!!!
Speaking of the Manning family, the Giants played the very talented and capable Washington Redskins, who were no way in the midst of a season-long tailspin. So it's very surprising that Eli Manning broke out the Manning Face en route to a very understandable and not playoff crushing defeat.
I'll leave you with the most important news of the week. From ESPN's recap of the Panthers win over the Texans:
With Cam Newton under center, Chudzinski is finding fun news ways to use the talented rookie’s athleticism to his advantage.
The latest twist was borrowing a hidden-ball trick very loosely adapted from a play called “the annexation of Puerto Rico” from the 1994 movie the Little Giants to help the Panthers beat the Texans 28-13. The play resulted in a 7-yard touchdown run by fullback Richie Brockel and landed the Panthers on highlight reels across the country.
This makes me unbelievably happy and I can only hope that more teams take cues from 90s football movies. Maybe the Cowboys will include the hook and ladder from the film, “I Don't Want Your Life: The Tale of Dawson Creek's Football Squadron.”
Oh oh. Also, as promised here are the winners of last week's “Name Three Defensive Players on the Rams or Seahawks” Challenge: James Martin III and Michael Hendel.
Sooo that's it. I probably won't be writing this next week as I'll be busy doing things like returning the Hannukah gift my Grandma gets me. See you next year! Hi Grandma! When did you get a computer?