By: Dan Abramson

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NFL Divisional Playoff Recap: Tom Brady > Jesus, Eli > Peyton

Alright, where were we? Football? Yes. Football. Let's cover that. Maybe. Whatever. Is this season done yet? I'm getting very bored and want to start devoting my time to other posts that won't get any views. Like Frank Caliendo donning blackface recaps.


The Packers lost to the Giants. Did you guys see that? Did you see it???? Let's talk about this one. A lot of “Packer Backers” (that's what they call themselves, no? If not, somebody dropped the fucking ball really fucking hard) will point to the long layoff as the reason they were outplayed. Incorrect. The truth is that Eli Manning had just come from his friend Dennis' birthday party and was all hopped up on Jolt cola and sour power. AND he was wearing his new high tops.

The scary thing is, if not for some questionable calls, the Packers easily could have lost this game 37-13. The Giants controlled this one from the beginning and seeing Eli lead this team brings up a scary issue…


Sorry, Peyton but… is Eli the superior Manning? Don't get me wrong, Peyton is obviously the more talented quarterback, never mind the fact that he's essentially an offensive coordinator that happens to be wearing shoulder pads and have a cannon for an arm. But come clutch time, we know what happens to Peyton: he slides into a pair of Dockers and goes to shoot a Sony commercial. But Eli? It's like after the third quarter, someone tells him to “go easy on the Pepsi” and all of a sudden he calms the fuck down and is lights out.

All I'm saying is that each have the same amount of Super Bowl trophies as of now, and that will most likely change in Eli's favor. ‘ Then again:


On to the 49ers and Saints. Oh my goodness. I apologize that I don't really have anything to say about this game, which may have had the most exciting ending I've seen in years. ‘ Just know that that this was my reaction after each possession in the 4th quarter:

Congratulations are in order to the 49ers who may have finally convinced everyone that they're not just a product of an easy schedule. And congratulations are in order for all of us as we get a rematch of the 1990 NFC championship, a game I only associate with Tecmo Super Bowl. That in mind, I have some advice for each team:. Giants, use Lawrence Taylor every time. 49ers, I got a hold of the Giants playbook. Take a look:


Anyway, with Rodgers and Brees eliminated, how does this affect the MVP race, you ask? I don't know. I have no idea how that works. But everybody talked about it like it was a given that either Brees or Rodgers would receive the honor, which is crazy because Tom Brady exists. It's easy to forget about Brady. At some level he transcends football, likely a result of the fact that he looks like someone who 10 years ago showed up to Jockey underwear commercial audition and accidentally walked into a door marked “Sell your soul and play for Bill Belichick.”


Sorry, there’s actually a typo in that picture. That was meant to read “60” touchdowns. Yes, Tom Brady threw 60 touchdowns. That is a fact.

The point is that Tom Brady killed Jesus. Hear that, anti-Semites? It wasn’t us. We all clear? Let’s all just move on and pretend that the last 2000 years didn’t happen. Awesome. Fantastic. Go Jews and Gentiles working together.

Remember last week, when Tim Tebow was leading comebacks and curing invalids with his smile, everyone went nuts over his stats, pointing out the connection to the Bible passage John 3:16. Well, some folks on Reddit took the time to see what passage this week’s stat line, 9 for 26, corresponds to. Here goes:

“The Anointed One will be killed, appearing to have accomplished nothing.”

I'm not a religious person. I've never even met the Bible. But it does not get any better than that. Oh wait. It does ‘

“And a ruler will arise whose armies will destroy the city and the Temple.”

That ruler?


That's it. Also the Ravens beat the Texans and oh no, my keyboard just broke! Can't cover that game! Oh well. See you next week.

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