By: Avin Das

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God’s Favorite Players

GOD: Tim is by far the my most devoted player, but I wish he would devote less time to me and devote more time to fixing his long throwing motion to become more accurate.

GOD: I admit I got lazy when I put two of the best hockey players in the world in the same womb. I still get them confused. Is Daniel the better scorer and Henrik the better playmaker? I have no idea. 

GOD: Cristiano Ronaldo is the most physically gifted soccer player I have ever created, but he is also the most irritating asshole in all of sports.

GOD: Every Giants fan remembers that I helped Tyree-Helmet Catch, but forget I put Eli Manning in a Giant uniform over petulant asshole Phillip Rivers and serial rapist Ben Roethlisberger. 

GOD: Yes, I did tell Albert Pujols to go to the Angels for 10 years, $254 million because of the money and to move to Southern California. Have you been to Southern California? It's a million times better than St. Louis. 

GOD: It's time to end the conspiracy and admit it was actually me that cancelled the Chris Paul trade to the Lakers. i just couldn't pass up the opportunity to team up the best point guard in the NBA with its most entertaining player. Chris Paul-to-Blake Griffin dunks are more beautiful than the Sistine Chapel. 

GOD: I thought it would be funny to take a little scrawny Argentinean and turn in him into arguably the greatest soccer player of all time with unbelievable scoring ability and tremendous technical skills. 

GOD: Derek Sanderson Jeter was always born to be a Yankee. If he were a Royal, he would already be on his third job as a minor league color commentator. As a Yankee, he's won 5 World Series, dated some of the world's most beautiful women, and when he retires, will become the owner of the largest chain of gift basket shops.  

GOD: It took me forever to create the world's greatest pitch: Mariano's cutter. You're welcome. 

GOD: I have a man crush on Tom Brady. I have taken care of Tom ever since he became the New England Patriots starting quarterback in 2001 He won 3 Super Bowls, 2 MVPs, and  married to Giselle Bundchen. Our lowest point was the Bieber hair cut in 2007 leading to the Super Bowl XLII loss. I can take a lot, but that was too much Tom. Nevertheless, I love Tom Brady more than anyone in the entire cosmos. It's because of him I now wear Uggs. They are really comfortable. 

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