By: Dan Abramson
During a recent speech, GOP hopeful and Stay Puft Marshmallow man stunt double, Newt Gingrich stated if he were elected to a second term, he would make it a priority that America establish a colony on the moon by 2020. I know what you're thinking: it almost makes too much sense. Correct. That's why Newt's planning for the long term, adding, “I think the number is 13,000 — when we have 13,000 Americans living on the moon they can petition to become a state.”Totally.
While it was the general notion of a moon base that caught everyone's attention, there were some other moon initiatives that got lost in the mix. Here they are.
1. Oil Will be Irrelevant, as the Primary Mode of Transportation will be “Moon Mobiles”
No need for oil on the Moon. MoonMobiles, which will be the earth equivalent of Fords, will not run on pass ‘`, terrestrial gas. No sir. They will be powered by “Space Fuel,” which according to Newt's research team is plentiful, flowing from the rivers of Zorg.
2. On the Moon, Jobs Will be Plentiful, but Everyone is Required to be a Cowboy, a Baseball Player, or a Fireman
If there was any doubt, the moon base initiative has made it clear that Newt's campaign is run by a seven-year-old boy who was asked where he wanted to go on vacation. “Mars,” he said while pouring too much ketchup on his carrots. Newt, ever the shrewd thinker, knew the boy/campaign manager must be reeled in. Moonbase was the compromise, but one condition: that all of the boy's answers to “What do you want to be when you grow up” must be made a reality.
3. Every Moon Man Gets At Least Three Moon Babes
Women, however, are only allowed one moon-husband.
4. Billions of Taxpayers Dollars Will be Spent Discovering if the Moon is in Fact Made of Cheese
If Newt's Moon Colony is to be successful, he will have to feed the inhabitants, who will gather for Moon Pizza Parties every Friday afternoon. And since there are no moon cows (yet), cheese will need to be procured. If the moon itself can provide this, it's all over. Check and mate.
5. Immigration Reform Will be Strictly Enforced
No longer will the Xaggorbs infiltrate American moon soil and leech off of our hardworking moon colony. The moon economy, which will be based on the trading of moon rocks for show and tell, will remain strong.
6. Everybody Will be Greeted with a Tin Foil Hat When They Deboard the Moon Ferry
First law of the Moon Base, of course.