By: Cory Matthews

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Application to be a Contestant on Any Singing Contest Show

Dear Contestants, ‘

Congrats! You've made it past the first round. It's very clear that you can sing. But since this is a reality show, we need to make sure your backstories are intriguing enough for a TV audience. ‘Please select all that apply. ‘

Are you…

Single ‘




Unable to love because your high school sweetheart died in a car accident and left you with a handicapped child ‘



Vaguely Asexual

You view yourself as…


Very Attractive

Will be attractive after Hollywood week

Ugly but in a charming way



Fat in a teddy bear way

So unattractive that you become a success story simply because only the best looking people are allowed to have talent

Do you have ‘

A life that's immediately recognizable as “depressing” or “a shame”

An illness that TV audiences are vaguely familiar with (think MS, Tourette's, etc)

A fianc ‘ with a terminal illness

Any parents/children who have died in your arms ‘

An adorable child with glasses

(If Black) Two supportive aunts that can join you at the audition

(If White) Forty random family members that can join you at the audition

(If Asian) Supportive grandparents who don't fully comprehend what's at stake

No self-esteem

No self-awareness

A jealous sibling (twins, preferred)

Can You ‘

Sing “Hallelujah” and pretend like you are the first to do so

Hit on one of the judges and pretend like you are the first to do so

Walk slowly with trees in the background, looking contemplative

Give us a filmed tour of the shanty you grew up in ‘

Justify missing the birth of your child for a singing competition

Sell your soul on national television

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