Last week an organization called One Million Moms called for the boycott of JC Penney because they hired Ellen DeGeneres as their new spokesperson. ‘ Apparently all those moms think that Ellen is too gay and will ooze her gayness all over JC Penney's merchandise, infecting little children with gay after seeing her gay face and her gay family and gay gay gay. Ugh. Come on moms, even Bill O'Reilly knows this is dumb.
One Million Moms is the same group that got mad at Macy's because there was a tiny picture of a cake with two grooms in one of their catalogues. The same group that opposes Modern Family because it portrays a gay couple or a modern family – see how they did that? And I'm assuming they'll have a lot to say about today's awesome ruling that Prop 8 is unconstitutional in California. (Hint: they wont like it!) These moms are obsessed with gays! But even if there are one million of these moms (their Facebook page only has 40,000 likes – that's 960,000 short) that means that about 100,000 of their kids are likely gay! So instead of trying to force all the gays back in the closet, these moms could be spending their time on much more important issues.
Seriously, I can think of a million things that are more important, but that would take too long and we all just want to be watching videos of Billy Eichner at the Super Bowl. So here are just a couple of issues that are more pressing than gay people shilling for department stores. Add your own!
Hoboken wont let Snooki and JWoww film there.
Classy ladies Snooki and JWoww of the Jersey Shore are filming a spin off show and the city of Hoboken, NJ said no thanks! Is it fair that these women be banned from living their lives in whatever city they want? Shouldn't the One Million Moms defend their right to fall down drunk, scream obsenities, and generally embarrass their future children? Where are Snooki and JWoww's moms on this pressing issue??
JFK Intern Affair Details Just Coming Now
America's hottest former President, John F Kennedy, had an affair with an intern. Surprised? No. But, the details are only coming out now! When Clinton was doing the no-no with Monika Lewinsky we heard all the nasty details right down to seeing the dress with the goo right away! Kennedy's virgin intern took her time to spill the beans. Come on, moms! Don't we deserve to know these things sooner?
Demi Moore Was Doing Whippets
This is clearly a mom issue because Demi Moore is a mom. And she is frankly too old to be doing whippets. And too rich. Moms, wont you find a suitable drug for a celebrity mom to use when going through personal struggles in her life?
This is a Thing (NSFW)
So…this exists. A fake vagina that you attach to your ipad and have sex with. It seems to me, this would be an issue for moms.
Karl Lagerfeld Called Adele Fat
Fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld said he likes Adele's voice, but she is too fat. Moms! We have to stick up for our curvy women. This is why our daughters have eating disorders. Moms, where are you on this issue of weird looking designers calling beautiful singers names??
Rihanna is Hanging out with Chris Brown
Proud idiot and woman beater Chris Brown has charmed his way back into Rihanna's life. Moms, shouldn't Rihanna hate Chris as much as the rest of us still do?
Queen Elizabeth's 60 Year Anniversary as Queen
Queen Elizabeth's queen anniversary!! Did you get her a gift?? Moms! You are supposed to be on top of that!
No Muppets at the Oscars
Children everywhere love the muppets! Why is Hollywood so anti-muppet? Moms! Figure this one out!
Has Everyone Heard of Smash?
Even though NBC runs a promo for their new series SMASH every three seconds, has EVERYONE heard of it?? This is the most pressing issue for NBC since Friends salary negotiations. Moms, can you make sure everyone knows about this show?
JC Penney Isn't Cool…Yet
Isn't JC Penney a cheaper Macy's, a better Kmart, but a lame Target? Moms, you've actually given JC Penney some street cred. They are defending Ellen DeGeneres even though 15 years ago they were one of many advertisers to stop airing commercials during Ellen's sitcom when her character came out of the closet. Moms, seems you're 15 years late with your bigotry.