Oscar Beauty Secrets Revealed

For weeks, the lovely actresses of Hollywood, have been preparing for today. It’s Oscar day and time to turn-this-mother-out! Looking beautiful is no easy task. If you’ve ever picked up an In Style magazine, you know what basic beauty treatments these ladies have had scheduled for months in advance: mani/pedi, fillers, Botox, deep sea scrubs, facials, eyelash dying, laser hair removal, happy endings, teeth whitening, anal bleaching and highlights.

But there are a handful of beauty secrets that, until now, Hollywood has held close to the vest. Why? Well as Paltrow once said, “If everyone looks good then no one looks good.”

THE SAFETY PIN

The safety pin has been useful for so many things for so very long. It’s earned it’s keep, tacking back extra bits of fabric, securing flair and piercing preteen’s, iced-down earlobes. But if you want to look your best for that extra special night, safety pins are the perfect choice for a Last Minute Facelift. Simply fold a half-inch patch of skin behind ear and gently fasten with safety pin. This little trick will quickly make you look five years younger in no time flat.

(Post-pin, allow for a ten minute window to let blood coagulate. Blot with powder. Repeat.)

Nothing compliments a spectacular Oscar gown like spectacular Oscar hair. Pairing a gown with the right hair-do is like choosing the perfect glass of Pinot Noir to accompany a delicious rib eye. But how do these actresses keep their dos looking shiny and flawless till the last dance of the Vanity Fair ball? Otter Spooge. Serums and sprays are great for everyday use but, for an event of this magnitude, a squirt of Otter’s spooge is your only real choice. Your hair will shine like the top of the Chrysler Building and not a single strand will fall out of place. (see Lea Michele Golden Globes ’11)

Skin covers the vast majority of your body so if it looks gorgeous and dewy half then beauty battle is won. There are endless ways to attempt to beautify your epidermis. But if you’re looking for that rosy glow that will have people whispering, “What did she do?” you’ll need 3-4 leeches. Leeches will both suck out impurities and stimulate circulation. Leave 3-4 leeches on face for 5-10 min intervals for at least 6-8 hours ahead of the event. DO NOT REUSE or SHARE WITH FRIEND or KEEP AS PET. DO SWALLOW with glass of champagne. Leeches will eat away at any excess bloat around the midsection. (See Lea Michele Golden Globes)