By: Noah Garfinkel
A couple of months ago we posted an article about Jeff Foxworthy’s website because of how uniquely and comically out of date it was. This week, we decided to check in on Larry The Cable Guy’s website to see how it compared. It turns out, Larry The Cable Guy’s website is actually NAILING it. It is the best at being a Larry the Cable Guy website that it could possibly be.
On many celebrity/entertainers’ sites, it’s unclear exactly who is creating the content. They will have things written in the first person, but it still seems like it could have been written by an intern. It’s important to note that Larry The Cable Guy’s website certainly has that going on, too. Did he write the introductory section? It’s hard to say. The multiple uses of the word “y’all” would seem to indicate he did.
But, then there are also some regular “you”s in there, so it’s unclear.
Fortunately, almost all of the other content on the site is FOR SURE done by Larry The Cable Guy himself. The left side of the screen features Mr. Guy standing behind a grill and saying jokes flash video style. And it’s not just a few jokes. There are SO MANY jokes. It’s amazing how much flash video joke telling there is. It’s almost like he scrapped an hour long special just so he could put all his new material towards his website.
Even with Larry The Cable Guy runs out of jokes on his home page, you can click on another page where there’s a special button you can press to make him tell even more jokes. You probably don’t want to spend the time to listen to all of Larry The Cable Guy’s website jokes, so we’ve done all the work for you and compiled a list of the 10 most Larry The Cable Guy-ish Larry The Cable Guy jokes form the Larry The Cable Guy website.
1) You know, Cincinnati is banning chatter from little league baseball games. You can’t go “hey, batter batter! Hey, batter batter!” It’s ridiculous. I mean, I can understand “Your mom’s a whore,” or “Hey, retard!” But “hey, batter batter.” Ugh, this country. I have one thing to say to Cincinnati officials. Blow me.
Larry The Cable Guy can understand why you shouldn’t yell, “Hey, retard!”
2) Here’s a question for you. How come there’s always good looking women around when you have to fart?
Thank you for the question!
3) You are slower than a legless Ethiopian at a cake walk.
Fact: Being at a cake walk makes Ethiopians with no legs even slower.
4) I used to be a lifeguard until some blue kid got me fired.
Just to clarify, this was not a racist joke about blue people.
5) We hired a midget stripper and she popped out of a cupcake.
You and Larry did that. That’s why he says “we.”
6) I love Father’s Day. I get three cards. One from my wife, one from my kids, and one from my sister.
This is a thinker because it has multiple solutions. This works for if he slept with his mom who then had a child who is also his sister, and it also works if he slept with his sister and is the father of her kids.
7) My sister always wanted to be a model but they rejected her because they said she had something they didn’t like on her neck. Her face!
She has a tattoo of her face on her neck and “they” don’t like that.
8) I can’t think of anything worse than Iran with nuclear weapons. Well.. maybe a retard with a harmonica.
Really sticking it to harmonicas and, very cleverly, commenting on his previous understanding of why you shouldn’t yell, “retard.”
9) I ate so much this weekend, I had to buy relaxed fit condoms.
His dick got fat.
10) It was so cold this winter, I lit a match BEFORE I took a poop.
Those sleveless plaids aren’t very warm.