#6 Graduate high school. ‘ Get involved in your hometown political scene. ‘ Find a decent job at the local zoning committee. ‘ Establish quality relationships with area leaders for two years. ‘ Authorize the meadow from your bully’s favorite childhood memories to be dug up and made into low income housing units for the specific race of people he despises most.
#5 Pursue a Bachelor's Degree in Restaurant Management. ‘ Network with several college alumni to generate funding. ‘ Apply for a restaurant license. ‘ Open a mid-sized Italian restaurant near your bully’s home. ‘ Develop an outstanding reputation for five years. ‘ Send him coupons to entice regular visitation. ‘ Make sure he enjoys plates high in both sodium and cholesterol. ‘ Maintain his patronage over 20 years. ‘ Not only will he be paying your bills, he will be diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. ‘ Increase your menu’s portion sizes and provide him better discounts in the mail. ‘ Watch the slow deterioration in his health on a weekly basis until your bully dies at 48 from congestive heart failure. ‘ ‘
#4 Pursue a Bachelor’s Degree in Radio. ‘ Accept a menial job at your bully’s favorite jazz station. ‘ Spend a decade working up the staff list until you are Programming Manager. ‘ Gradually transition the station playlist away from the piano-based smooth jazz he loves so tenderly to a percussion-based frenetic jazz that he loathes. ‘ Deprive him of the stress relief he requires to cope with adult responsibilities. ‘ After eight years of pent up rage, one day at work he will “joke” about bringing his family’s Civil War revolver into the IT department. ‘ Your bully will then have no musical station to alleviate the traumas of unemployment and potential jail time. ‘ ‘ ‘
#3 Follow a parent’s exact occupational path. ‘ Create online dating accounts for several fake women that match your bully’s interests. ‘ Spend hours exchanging emails and building trust. ‘ Arrange meetings but always stand him up. ‘ Occupy all his time with exactly four incredible but fictional ladies at once. ‘ Eradicate his confidence in online dating’s ability to find a compatible partner. ‘Make him scavenge bars and consider only physically attractive women to be worthy mates. ‘ This will lead him to marry an insecure diva that demands constant pampering. ‘ Her materialism and plastic surgery will curse your bully to financial ruin. ‘ ‘ ‘
#2 Pursue a Master's Degree in Education. ‘ Reconnect with your old American History teacher to learn about Guidance Counselor vacancy. ‘ Land the job and demonstrate a true desire to help all students. ‘ Make sure your bully’s child has many passions that are all useless. ‘ When this kid struggles to enter the real world year after year, they will have no one to rely on for housing or income except their father. ‘ Your bully will feel immensely humiliated by his offspring’s ignorance and his own failure to raise a contributing adult.
#1 Pursue a Bachelor’s Degree in Social Science. ‘ Accept a paid internship at a respected scientific institute. ‘ Dedicate long hours to aiding Senior Researchers. ‘ Receive a promotion to Associate Researcher. ‘ Co-edit a lengthy series of articles criticizing the theory of creationism. ‘ Provide irrevocable evidence in human evolution. ‘ Destroy your bully’s belief in God and force him to endure the never-ending psychological terror of knowing the world is ruled by chaos.