By: Ken Furer
In general, day drinking at an Irish Pub tends to be limited to hardcore sports fans, alcoholics, and thugs who look like they just broke somebody’s wrist in The Departed. But on St. Patrick’s Day, these normally dark and depressing dives are transformed into dark and depressing dives that are also super crowded! So shove your way through the throngs of drunken revelers and order that Irish Car Bomb which, incidentally, is the second most racist drink after The Black Russian.
Remember in elementary school how you had to wear green or somebody would pinch you? First of all, how was that not harassment? Or bullying? But don’t worry about that right now, because you can still enjoy the same vaguely inappropriate fun thanks to your co-workers who feel compelled to pinch you if you’re not wearing green. And there’s always that guy who doesn’t appear to be wearing green on first glance. But wait just a minute – he’s wearing cloverleaf boxers! And now he’s going to show them to you! This year St. Patrick’s Day falls on a Saturday so you probably won’t be able to enjoy the festivities at work. But that’s okay because there’s always that handsy cashier at Trader Joe’s.
Kissing Irish People
Always wanted to kiss an Irish person but never had express written consent? Well here’s your chance! “Kiss Me I’m Irish” merchandise is your sure bet to getting lucky on St. Patrick’s Day. However, you may also want to bring another shirt that reads “Look, I drank a lot of Guinness last night and may not have used my best judgment so would you please just drive me home thanks, I’m Irish.”
St. Patrick's Day Movies
Unlike many other holidays, there really aren’t any movies about St. Patrick’s Day. In fact, your options are pretty much limited to My Left Foot and Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood. But what more do you need? A romantic comedy with a dozen storylines that intersect on St. Patrick’s Day? A body switch movie where two best friends find their luck changing after they drink some magical green beer? Or how about an animated family film about Lucky the unlucky four-leaf clover who only has three leaves? No need! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to find me pot o’ gold, homey. (a line that I’m just assuming is in Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha Hood.)
The Shamrock Shake
No sarcasm here. These things are straight-up delicious.