Imagine being trapped on a deserted island where the only supplies to create a shelter are palm fronds and fallen coconuts.
The Apocalypse will be just like that, only instead of lush vegetation you'll be using the burned and smoldering scraps the overlords have left you.
Tug of War
When eternal night descends and the rivers begin to freeze into an icy tundra, you’ll need as much warmth as you can get.
Only one scrap of blanket left, you say? NBD. Rip that shit from your enemies hands.
Ever heard of flying goblins? No, of course you haven’t. But come the end of 2012 you’ll know them all too well.
Here's a hint: the Goblins will be the ones who look like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball and have rapey mustaches.
In this game that tests balance and your ability to handle chaotic situations, you’ll learn the skills necessary to hold on for dear life as what remains of earth begins to erode beneath you.
Right hand red like your life depends on it, fuckers.
Doctors? Hospitals? Insurance fraud? Pssssh.
Those things won't be covered when the Plague of Boils hits.
It would be wise to practice removing that pesky spare rib now before you have to do it for real. Trust me, you'll need that thing gone if only for the increased flexibility.
Blind Man's Bluff
When the Plague of Locusts comes to fruition and they swarm until what little light was left in the sky is gone, it will be you and you alone who can feel your way to safety.
Just avoid running into any zombies and you're golden.
If Ghostbusters taught me anything it’s that when the world ends, New York City streets will open up and burst into a fiery pool of lava.
As soon as it happens climb the tallest building and never look back. Seriously. If you do you'll turn to dust.
In what is essentially an epic and bloody race against death, you’ll need all of the upper body strength you can muster (especially when you lose your legs to the river of dead firstborns).
When a situation occurs like the one in the comic series Y: The Last Man, and all of the men have been wiped off the face of the earth by a plague except for one, you'll want to prove that you're the most fertile woman remaining.
Hula hoop into that man's heart and let re-populating the earth begin.
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Meet the true four horsemen of the Apocalypse.
When we're forced to serve our rainbow colored hippo overlords you'll be grateful to know their achilles heel: shiny white balls.