By: A General Nonchalance
Facebook just announced its purchase of Instragram for a billion dollars. Take a second to make your “you know what's cool? A billion filters.” jokes. We all set here? Great. Anyway, Mark Zuckerberg has made it known that he has no intention of simply shutting down Instagram and incorporating its filters into his all-powerful social network. This is good news for Instagram users who enjoy their separate, filter-filled network. BUT, Instragram will be going through some major changes, incorporating elements of Facebook into its highly popular app.
Here's a sampling of some of the new, hip filters Facebook will be adding to Instagram.
Knowing how much you enjoy seeing other people's children in your Facebook feed, this new filter adds a baby belonging to someone you don't know to your photograph.
The Someone You Don't Care About Has An Opinion Filter
Your photograph stays the same, no sepia or superfluous contrasts. But someone you barely knew in high school now comments on it, making uninformed statements about how Trayvon Martin was “asking for it.” It's terrible, but a necessary part of the new Facebook-Instagram experience.
The Come to My Show Filter
Turns your photograph, regardless of its subject, into an invite to an improv show nobody will ever attend. Facebook's purchase of Instagram is actually just the first step in its quest to use every platform to invite people to comedy shows.
The Fuck You I'm on Vacation Filter
Adds a sunset or palm tree to each photograph. Don't worry if you're not actually at the beach when taking the picture. Using this filter will fill your with warmth, knowing that your friends think you're leading a luxurious lifestyle.
The Activist Filter
Automatically forwards a video of a cause you just heard about to all of your friends, while making this happen to your romantic photograph:
The My Life isn't Good Enough Filter
A filter that fills you with disappointment in how your weekend turned out. No actually change to your photograph, but deep down you're getting depressed because everyone else is seemingly living a better life than you.
The I Just Read an Article About Dogs Filter
Facebook was smart not to exclude the users who fill your feed with pictures of dogs and biting commentary like “This will brighten your day!!!!!!!!!!” And rightfully so; these folks are the glue of social networking, uniting long lost friends who agree that dogs are in fact cute. Every time you use this filter, a picture of a pug going down a slide will be added. And it will be glorious.