By: Dan Abramson
7 Things The Internet Cannot Live Without
1990 to 1999
Saved by the Bell, The Fresh Prince, Backstreet Boys, Urkel, Zubaz pants, Nick at Nite, Kurt Cobain, You Are The Weakest Link Goodbye, Boy Meets World, Jurassic Park, Don't Touch The Hair, Salt n Pepa lyrics, Mario Kart. ‘(This is where I'm supposed to put the keywords for the article, right? I'm gonna SEO the shit out of this piece. To the top of the Googles!)
Remember 10 years ago on television how everyone LOVED the 80s? I believe there was a show named after their love of said decade. Not sure what it was called, but I think they just put pictures of 80s references up while comedians made funny comments and HOLY SHIT THAT'S THE INTERNET BUT TEN YEARS EARLIER. Everything is cyclical and the only difference is now we turn to the Internet for snarky commentary on things we all recognize and don't have to think about. Here's an excerpt from every article on the Internet:
TAMAGOTCHI: Remember these??????
I’m not saying this is a bad thing. If anything, it’s very fun because we do remember those. There’s a reason why “I Love the 80s” was so successful and it wasn’t because of its cushy timeslot ‘which if I remember correctly was all day all the time.
Bacon
The Internet is nothing without indulgence. We all build little shrines to ourselves on Facebook or Twitter, which we use to say things like “LOOK AT ME I ATE A DINNER MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF PLS RT.” There's absolutely no need for any of this, but the fact is that its so addictive that it's impossible not to take part. No good can come from making our own personal tabloids. ‘
What does all this have to do with bacon? Nothing. Except for the fact that it's a clear-as-fucking-day metaphor for the Internet's snack of choice. It embodies all the excess that we pour into our Internet lives. Also, look at it. It's gorgeous.
That's right. Star Wars bacon. That saltiness on your face right now is a combination of bacon and bacon tears.
People Writing “Fake” As a Comment on Something That's Clearly Fake
Things the Internet will always need:
Debates
Idiots
Example: ‘
Corgis
Ask the layperson what the Internet is built from and they will tell you cats. That is because they are dummies. Yes, cats (and their “cheeseburgers”) are oft-considered the dominant animal of the web, but we've been so inundated with them since the the dawn of impact font that we're all a little numb to their antics. If Al Gore came out tomorrow and was like “no more cats on my internet, get off my google lawn,” I think we'd all be okay. The memory of the time the cat sat on a roomba would live on in our memories.
The point is that Corgis have slowly emerged as the Cat du Jour. Put a tie on one and see what happens.
That’s right, he’s a LAWYER. Can a cat do that? Nope. I don’t think they let just any cat in animal law school. Corgis have a versatility matched by no one. Here’s one trying to sleep:
It’s upside down!!!!! Cats don’t have anywhere near spinal capacity for such a feat. Corgis4Ever.
Tits and Dicks
Timeless stuff happening here. Please enjoy in moderation. Also, feel free to search for butts. Butts need to get a little more play. #buttplay
The Wu Tang Clan
Not just for music, but for the cast of characters and hierarchy in which they exist. That is very important — The Internet is chaos, with bacon-filled tits running rampant in fields of corgis. There needs to be order! There needs to be a rigid structure that keeps everyone in place! Look no further than the Wu Tang Clan. Its well-established chain of command, with the RZA overlooking his minions, is the Internet’s measuring stick for all its obsessions, be it Parks and Rec or the State. Without the Wu Tang Clan the internet would fall apart and nobody would know how to rank things. In fact, the Internet’s first ever “Listicle” was “The 11 Most Influential Members of the Wu Tang Clan and Why They’re Nothing to Fuck With.”
Speaking of which ‘
Arbitrary Rankings
I hate to break it to you, but your favorite article, “The 10 Best Dicks and Tits of 2011,” was chosen by a Corgi who knew how to get page views. They mean nothing.
