By: Dan Abramson
As you may have guessed, SPOILERS ahead.
- You will get shawarma afterward.
- You will sit next to someone more excited to be at this movie than the birth of his own child. No matter where you sit, this person will be on one side of you screaming “YEAHHHHH” every time someone “suits up” or someone establishes a witty rapport with Mark Ruffalo.
- You won’t mind because holy fuck that rapport between Mark Ruffalo and Robert Downey Jr. is better than any duo in years. Instead of Iron Man and Hulk sequels, can we just have a rom com with these two, please? Call it “The Anger Suits You.” Whatever, it’s a working title.
- You will realize that your decision not to see Captain America holds up
- You will realize that your decision not to see the previous Hulk movies, despite their poor reception, may have been incorrect in hindsight.
- You will start remembering the trailer to the Ang Lee version of Hulk and feel comfortable with your refusal to see it due to its ridiculousness and lack of Ruffalos.
- You will be blown away when Banner/Hulk is like “I’m always angry,” but then you’ll question it since didn’t he lose his shit earlier when Scarjo took a break from gratuitous butt shots be tossed around by him?
- Literally two seconds later, you will not give a shit about that inconsistency because of how amazing this moment is and also logic gets thrown out the window when you spend twenty dollars on a movie that’s plot is essentially “I think a space portal opens up and a younger version of the bad guy from Ghostbusters 2 has a powerful walking stick.”
- You will wonder why Banner was naked when Harry Dean Stanton found him since the Hulk doesn’t get naked at any point while he’s smashing things. Is that in the director’s cut? Like there’s a scene where Hulk’s like “You don’t want me to unleash ‘The Other Guy'” and points to his crotch? Yeah, that’s probably what happened.
- You will love this movie and talk about it incessantly until the Dark Knight Rises is released, which will lead to discussions regarding which was the better flick: Avengers, Dark Knight, or Battleship. JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK JK — Battleship is a fake movie. It’s something we all made up in our minds because there’s no way that exists in real life.