By: A General Nonchalance
Framed Picture Of Yourself
This says her greatest accomplishment was creating you. Fair enough. You are, in fact, fantastic. But this gift also adds a hint of “you have nothing else going for you right now, so just look at something you did multiple decades ago.”
Homemade Coupons Good For 10 Free Phone Calls, Redeemable only on Sundays
She’ll love this book of coupons at first (“Aw, you want to talk on the phone more”), but soon enough she will realize the point you’re trying to make, which is this: no more calling on a Wednesday with the agenda of “Guess Who I Ran Into Today?”. Save your snoozefest stories for one afternoon, and one afternoon only, please.
A Cookbook of Kid-Friendly Meals
There’s no better way to tell her you looked back at your childhood and realized you ate like shit than with this book. It’s filled with all the recipes she didn’t master: taco night, creamy mac and cheese, tater-tot surprise. Most likely she still can’t cook, so when she begrudgingly makes you these meals, you can all lie and talk about how good everything is. Just like those Sunday calls!
You couldn’t even make it to her favorite store to get her a gift certificate. At least that would’ve shown you are aware of her interests. But therein lies the problem, doesn’t it? You have no idea what she’s interested in. Here are the things you know she likes: calling on Wednesdays and jeans that don’t fit well. She apparently has a passionate hobby called “cooking pieces of shit and calling it ‘dinner’.” And let’s be honest, how do you shop for that person? What do you get the person who has everything?
Anything Homemade That Reeks of Effort
On the other hand, nothing tells your mom that you desperately need cash than giving her a gift that you clearly spent way too much time making. She’ll be so taken with the sweat and tears you put into making the collage of your childhood pictures of the two of you, that she’ll realize you had no alternative. Pity money is the best money.
Actually this is just a great gift. It says “sorry I haven’t seen you in nine months, here’s a human being.” The key here is to tell your baby things like “I’ll be there for you whenever you need me” and “I’ll be the mother I never had” in front of her. BONUS: If you’re a new mother, this day becomes about you. Not her.