By: Paul Danke
The twenty-first century’s infancy was famously dominated by the flavor Chipotle. It had all the makings of a great American flavor: original taste, hard to pronounce name, and an ethnic identity that was both frightening and enticing. But as we move into the tweens of this century, America’s love affair with chipotle seems in jeopardy; a relationship that once burned so brightly has been tarnished by the tedious potato chip tie ins, flavor homogenization and the debacle that is the McDonald’s owned restaurant chain of the same name Chipotle. But this is America, we need a flavor-identity!
That which makes America great is also Her greatest weakness, laziness. The same brilliant laziness that brought us: the slap chop, the snuggie and 7-11 hot wings has hampered us so greatly in regards to finding the next great American flavor. We must branch out, beyond the safe footholds of the south (Ranch, BBQ sauce etc.) beyond even our neighbors to the south of the border (Tapatio, Chipotle, etc.) and look WEST! or East, it’s all relative actually ‘ I mean, look to ASIA!
Asia is huge man. With a population of 3,879,000,000 you just know they’ve got some great new condiments that we’ve never even heard of, however there are already a few flavors poised to be America’s ‘ next great flavor. While Teriyaki respectively did it’s thing 90’s, Like Jennifer Aniston, Teri is no longer a viable candidate, too old and too niche America is ready to move on. America needs to be swept off their feet by some new hot piece of condiment ass, ladies and gentleman I present to you the two front runners for America’s next great condiment: Umami and Sriracha. Umamai is of course designed in a laboratory and gives us the hard to pin down “savory” flavor, pair with a salty meat and baby hold on to your tenderloins because shit is about to get REAL. However the flavor does feel a bit limited by it’s specific chemical needs and in this day and age relies far too heavily on it’s relationship with meat. However Sriracha (or cock sauce) is spicy, comes in a squeezable tube and goes great with pretty much everything: eggs, chicken, rice, french fries AND the bottle has a rooster on the front giving it the nickname cock-sauce and I’ll be damned if we’re not falling for a dick joke, is this NOT America? Behold I give to you Sriracha, America’s NEW favorite flavor.