By: Gabe Worgaftik
Memo to the Owners of The Santa Monica Dog Boutique
Dear Lady in Charge of Hiring at the Upscale Dog Grooming Boutique in Santa Monica,
I am writing to follow-up on my previous e-mail, regarding an open dog bathing position listed on Craigslist, from which I have not yet received a response. I feel it may be necessary to clarify and expand upon some of my qualifications to provide more detail as to why I am the right man for this job.
First, I think there may have been some confusion regarding the section labeled “relevant experience.” When I wrote, “I have never worked as a dog washer before, but I have extensive experience working in kitchens and restaurants,” I can assure you I meant only to suggest that I understand the importance of impeccable cleanliness in what I’m sure can be a messy and hectic workplace. My best friend is Korean, and frankly I find the implication a bit offensive.
In your post, you listed the job responsibilities as follows:
‘ “Bathing / Brushing Dogs” ‘ Obviously. I wouldn’t have applied for this job if I didn’t think I was going to have to wash a few dogs along the way.
‘ “Hand Drying” ‘ I have extensive experience in hand drying, including those high-powered hand dryers at movie theaters that make your skin bunch up in little folds. Besides, have you ever tried to touch a dog with wet hands? Gross.
‘ “Maintaining an upscale salon atmosphere and environment” ‘ I am able to provide my own development deal with the Bravo television network, if necessary.
‘ “Educating customers about salon products and services” ‘ If a dog gets washed in the forest and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? Probably, but they’re just going to start running around and get dirty again, which is why I’ll be telling people to get their dogs washed at your boutique and not in the forest.
Furthermore, you listed the qualities of your ideal candidate as such:
‘ “MUST love dogs” ‘ In my previous letter I stated that I have a strong dislike for dogs. This is true. However, this is because dogs are by nature filthy animals. I intend to wash them. Think about it–who do you want washing your dogs? Someone who “loves” them and is willing to accept them as the disgusting, attention-whoring sluts they are, or someone who will scrub them down with the cleaning power of repressed anger?
‘ “Must be capable of working independently” ‘ I am not the type of worker who stands around waiting to be told what to do. If I see a dog that needs washing, I will wash it. If there is nothing else to do I will start washing clean dogs, so I look busy.
‘ “Must have excellent oral communication skills” ‘ You might say that when it comes to communicating, I’ve got a whole lot of bark! Wait, sorry, I can do better ‘ You might say the only way I could make myself clearer would be if I had a tail! Right? Sorry.
‘ “Must be capable of handling a fast pace, high stress [sic]” ‘ In my previous correspondence I assumed you forgot to write “environment.” It now occurs to me you may have meant “labradoodle.”
‘ “Must be a self-starter and quick learner” ‘ Okay, sure, fine. Again, to be clear, we’re still just talking about washing dogs, right?
Dog washing is not something I take lightly. A quick soap and rinse will remove loose dirt and grime, but I believe it is essential to apply a new coat of wax with each washing to ensure maximum shine and to prevent the coat from stripping in the salty California air. For each hour I spend washing dogs you can be confident I have earned my nine dollars. I will wash each and every dog to the fullest extent allowed by state law. It’s like my father always says ‘ give a dog a bath, and he’ll be clean for a day; teach a dog to wash himself, and he’ll be a cat, or whatever.
I have reattached my resume, and look forward to hearing from you shortly.