By: A General Nonchalance
The Amount of Flavor in a Light Beer is in Direct Proportion to One's Masculinity
If we're really going to be playing this game, shouldn't the fact that it's a squabble over light beer disqualify all of the bros sitting around the table? But more importantly, in what world does a group of friends go out for a good time, only to have every one of them, but one, order the same light beer? And then, when they all realize that there's an odd man out, who ordered a different light beer, has anyone ever emasculated him for this act? “Whoaaaa 'Generic Light Beer'? I guess we didn't realize you were such a pussy. Now if you'll excuse us, we have to get back to being real men who drink Miller Lite.”
Movie Trailers Using Tweets from People Who Are Not Film Critics
This is a new trend, often used by movies that do not have any good reviews. Let's use the TV spot for “That's My Boy” as an example.
Look, I'm not going to use this space for a treatise on Adam Sandler's oeuvre; I'll leave that to rest of the internet. But it's clear the marketing team behind the film had not found any quotes from reviewers that went beyond lines like “Another Adam Sandler movie,” so they took to Twitter to find some enthused fans. Here's what they found:
bcampos1! I get all my reviews from bcampos1! Doesn't everyone? We all know that David Denby and bcampos1 are the only real game in town, so it's actually kind of surprising that they made the Twitter handle so small.
Nothing against Mr. B Campos, the first; I'm sure he's got great taste in movies. But to the casual viewer who's not sitting around taking screengrabs of the “That's My Boy” trailer, the marketing team behind this spot has elevated him to the status of Roger Ebert, who by the way has an excellent Twitter account, yet is surprisingly not featured in this trailer.
Women Have Big Yogurt Parties
Fact: In the real world, people (men or women) eat yogurt in shame. It's not a food anyone's particularly proud to eat — something you've convinced yourself you should eat for lunch because you're “on a health kick.” Or it's the last thing in your fridge and you can't bring yourself to have a lunch consisting of old baby carrots.
But in commercials, yogurt is a treat women look forward to. They eat it with their friends, donning robes and relaxing and bonding over the emotions that the yogurt brings out in them. “It reminds me of a first kiss,” they'll say because that's something that normal women always say when eating yogurt. They even get together at weddings (pretty standard wedding meal) to indulge in it.
Guys, just let these gal pals do their thing. You'll never understand. Hell, look at this idiot man trying to find something to eat in his wife's fridge.
Big mistake, buddy, this is a lady fridge now. Your wife needs to keep her kitchen stocked with so much yogurt that she can have a yogurt party with all her yogurt sisters! They're going to share so many yogurt secrets!
Wives Are The Worst!
Ugh, with all their Yogurt Parties and generic light beer, WOMEN. ARE. THE. WORST. Am I right, guys in commercials?
Hahaha LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL SEXISM! Nailed it! Oh man I can't believe that guy's wife! What an accurate representation of the husband-wife dynamic. I bet she even tried to get his opinion on drapes or something! Go drink a non-Miller Lite, lady, and let the men do the TV watching! Your feelings do not matter because men can't feel feelings!
Making “Real” People Look Like Idiots With Hidden Cameras
Pranks! You got these people good! I think the best part of the prank is when these people had a night planned in which they were going to feast on an authentic Italian meal but instead got old, microwaved pasta from Pizza Hut. In your face, innocent patrons.
Though to be fair, if these people are in fact real and are in fact duped, they're just as much at fault. If they're not capable of discerning between Pizza Hut and actual food, they do not deserve to eat. Regardless, these commercials have been around since the advent of instant coffee and they need to end.