By: davidwolinsky
Reviewing Yankee Candle’s Manly “Man Candles”
Riding Mower
They say: “Hot sun. Cool breeze. And the intensely summery scent of freshly cut grass.”
We say: Spark up this bad boy and your skin will instantly be glistening in an alarming amount of sexy, sexy man-sweat. Remember that Diet Coke commercial where that all-female office rushed to the window to watch that underskilled manual laborer cool off with a sodie pop? This candle will make you smell the way those women looked at him. It’ll be a very sexual time for you. What we recommend is to instead give it to some lonely dumpy girl so she’ll pretend she’s smelling a real man. Then you’ll stop by after your manual-labor job after she’s done working in her nondescript office and show her what a real man smells like: ball sweat, horseplay, and freshly cut grass.
2X4
They say: “The warm, unmistakable scent of freshly planed wood and sawdust evokes a sense of confidence and quality.”
We say: Premature ejaculation. Undescended testicles. Mustaches firmly still in the research and development phase. There are a lot of reasons men can feel inadequate, and so they always need a sense of quality. Well, 2X4 is your man-savior, man. Yankee Candle is too puritanical to say this, but, good friends, this one smells like a big ol' juicy boner. Any embarrassment that happened during the day will melt away when you light this and feel your warrior spirits surge at the whiff of man lumber. All our lady friends tell us penises smell just like 2X4s, or at least that's what mine smells like. Why are you looking at me like that? Do you think I should go to a man-doctor? Ahh ‘ the smell of 2X4s.
First Down
They say: “Game on! This combination of orange, patchouli, vetiver and leather is as exciting as game day.”
We say: Yeah, we're not sure what “vetiver” is, either. We know what patchouli is, and this isn't what it smells like at all. First Down's fragrant man-aroma brings back memories of rotting pig flesh, and not in the laced-up football-y way. This one conjures up sense memories of being in the shit back in Afghanistan, when Cpt. Horgan told us we were low-down maggots not fit to be catapulted out his pooper shooter. Then when everyone else went off to get postpartum and sweet battle scars, we had to peel potatoes and then eat them all. Basically, First Down makes you constipated.
Man Town
They say: “Escape to the man cave with this masculine blend of spices, woods and musk.”
We say: Have you ever swam in a pool filled with AA and D-cell batteries? Man Town is like being set loose in a slowly flooding Radio Shack, mysteriously caused by an electrical fire. After carefully lighting this guy, black, billowing smoke clouds swirl pool up against the ceiling. Your extremities feel damp and lifeless. Your heart pounds as you feel the euphoria that can only be conjured up at gazing upon so many outdated and overpriced electronics. An electric tie motor! A toothbrush battery recharger! A self-punching nun puppet! Suddenly you grab your hairy chest and collapse in a crumple of khaki and polo, dying the way you lived: like a man.
