By: Ally Hord
10 Things To Tell Your Boyfriend/Husband You’re Doing When You’re Really Seeing “Magic Mike”
Yes, maybe you're a little old to still be doing this for extra cash, but the economy is crappy enough for this to be plausible. If he asks, the parents don't come home until midnight. This way you can grab a drink (or 3) with the girls after the movie and have it devolve into a debate of whether or not to go a male strip club right then and there. Of course, the potential problem with this is that you'll actually be out of small bills after this scenario instead of coming home with more.
Your Friend Sarah's Improv Show
Cause everyone has a friend name Sarah and on the off-chance you don't, he will not push the matter further because he won't want to tempt fate that you might extend the invite to him. Of course you're not going to, cause your one-word suggestion for the night is “Chippendales”.
Sample Sale At A Warehouse Downtown
Just say this is a once a month event and all your gal pals are going and you can totally get Furstenberg for like, 50% off. I think that one sentence buys you at least 3 hours of no questions asked – they hear the word sale and they stop caring. If you come home empty-handed, you can just explain it ended up being more of a “see but don't touch” sort of event. That part wouldn't be a lie.
Going To A Musical
And not something he'd think could be cool, like Book of Mormon. You're going to see like, Wicked. Alternatively, you could just tell him you're going to see War Horse. It's not a musical, but it will still sound like live theater torture to him. Plus it's like, 5 hours long so ‘double feature??
Ani Difranco In Concert
He won't even look up if she's touring right now. I didn't. I just know you should wear your Doc Martens and march out that door confidently. He'll never call that bluff and realize you're going to the antithesis of Lilith Fair.
He may balk at the fact you've never been to a book club before, but just casually mention it's something Sarah invited you to join. Also, and this is very important, NEVER GO OUT THE DOOR CARRYING “INFINITE JEST”. That's a red flag right there and he knows no book club will ever read that. Just play it safe with something like “Salmon Fishing in Yemen” so he doesn't suspect you're fulfilling a live-action “50 Shades of Grey” fantasy.
80s Night At A Bar
Everyone knows that even the most cynical, frigid women will lose their shit to “Jesse's Girl” after 3 Amaretto Sours. Guys respect that girls do this but want no part of it, so he'll tell you to have fun and just to text him when you're leaving drunk and want to come home to mess around. This actually works out perfect because you'll probably be all riled up after you leave Mike's.
Gay Bar With A Gay Best Friend
Just say Derek is single again and wants to party at the Cubby Hole or Crow's Nest. Your man won't ask to tag along and hey, Derek is the perfect accomplice because (duh) he'll be with you at Magic Mike's.
Guys don't know what this word means, but their instincts probably tell them it's somewhere in between yoga and a new noodle craze. Also acceptable excuses are pure barre and zumba. These are just nonsense words to men and they'll obliviously send you on your merry way, hoping that maybe you'll get into pole dancing classes next. And who knows, maybe you will after doing some firsthand research tonight.
Sarah Has A UTI And Really Needs A Friend Right Now
Gross, I know, but this is like, if it's a Defcon 5 emergency and you have no other options. He will ask no questions, except maybe “Why the hell are you telling me this?!” or maybe he'll just scream. Just like you'll be screaming when you see tight, leather tearaway pants fly off in 3D. (The movie is in 3D right??)