By: Brian Boone

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Realistic Letters to Penthouse

Dear Penthouse:
I never thought that I would be writing this, but sometimes, life can get pretty crazy. I’m a 22-year-old guy, and I’m pretty well built, muscular but not ripped. Last spring break, me and my friends took a trip to Lake Havasu. At a drinking contest on the beach one day, I met a girl named Kimmi, and she was gorgeous ‘ blond, tan, possessing breasts and attractive legs. Well, one thing led to another and we found ourselves back in her hotel room, going at it pretty hot and heavy. She taught me things I’d never even thought of, and the sex was incredible. Kimmi was a very experienced girl. So experienced that my doctor says I have a heretofore-undiscovered strain of chlamydia.

La Jolla, California

Dear Penthouse:
I never thought that I would be writing one of these, but you know, sometimes life can get pretty crazy. I’m a young, good-looking guy with a pretty muscular build. The other day I came home, and my wife, who is a former exotic dancer, was drinking wine and having a good time with her best friend, who is also a former exotic dancer. I started drinking, too, and before you know it, we’re playing a game of Truth or Dare. Maybe we were drunk, but I’ve always thought my wife’s friend was attractive. I dared her to make out with me. She refused, my wife got mad, and things have been awkward ever since. I really don’t know what I was thinking.

St. Louis, Missouri

Dear Penthouse:
I don’t usually go to gentlemen’s clubs, or strip clubs, if you want to call them that, but it was for a bachelor party with a bunch of friends, so when in Rome, you know. The first dancer that came out was something else: tall, attractive, a woman. Definitely my kind of girl. I paid for a private dance in the champagne room, and, well, one dance quickly turned into six, and before we knew it, it was the end of her shift. I think she really liked me, because she invited me back to her place. She stole all my cocaine and the next day her boyfriend came to my office and beat me up and I got fired. Still though, best night of my life!

Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey

Dear Penthouse:
I just lost my virginity. It was scary and weird.

Tacoma, Washington

Dear Penthouse:
I’m a good-looking, 19-year-old guy, and my girlfriend is an 18-year-old nude model and cheerleader for an SEC powerhouse. Last Thanksgiving, I brought her home to meet my family. Everybody loved her, and it went really well, but during dinner, she kept reaching under the table and grabbing my crotch. Desperately needing somewhere to go, but finding all of the bedrooms in my parents’ house to be unsuitable, we quickly landed in the backseat of my car, a 2004 Nissan Altima. It doesn’t have a very large backseat, and it was really hard to find a comfortable position. Actually, we never really could find a spot, as I was six inches taller than her, and I kept hitting my head, and if she got on top I had to bend my knee all weird. Eventually we just scrapped the whole thing and I drove her home, a two-hour trip, in total silence. We both promised to call each other sometime, but we never did. What a terrible night.

Knoxville, Tennessee

Dear Penthouse:
Me and my wife of 48 years just had the maritals. It was Friday, and we’d been to the Olive Garden. Then we went to sleep. Good night.

Kenneth J. Grissom, Retired
Lansing, Michigan

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