5 Brave Predictions for ‘The Dark Knight Rises’

1. Bruce Wayne Dies
Despite being someone who has never read the Batman comic and has based his knowledge of the character solely on Michael Keaton's line “Let's Get Nuts,” I know that Bane is the only villain to kill Batman. So there's that. Also, this is the last of the Christopher Nolan films, so if he dies it provides closure and opens the door to a reboot by another director. No big deal. It's Hollywood and this sort of thing happens all the time. See: Spiderman. See: The Incredible Hulk. See: Spiderman, again.
2. Morgan Freeman Plays the Part of Mystical Black Man
Reprising his role as mystical black man from the first two films, I bet Morgan Freeman plays the shit out of a mystical black man, imparting mystical words of mystical wisdom to Bruce as he saves the day. Not in a way that steps on the toes of Michael Caine; in the way that all he needs to do is wink and say something sassy and Bruce gets the point. This isn't so much a comment on the role that the mystical black often plays, but a reflection of the fact that Morgan Freeman is actually made of magic. And is black. And is in this movie. Pretty much a no-brainer.
3. Michael Caine says Something Super Depressing About Bruce's Dead Parents That Bruce Somehow Interprets as a Pep Talk
That fucking Alfred, always talking about Bruce's dead parents. How does he expect Bruce to get past this if he keeps bringing it up and OH MY GOD Alfred is the puppet master. He knows that if he depresses the hell out of Bruce, he'll turn into the Bat to enact his vengeance and save Gotham. Holy shit Alfred is the dark knight.
4. There's a Scene Where Bane Watches Someone Masturbate
Call me crazy, but I think this'll happen. Christopher Nolan needs to beef up this character and it certainly would add an extra layer of complexity to him. Like “what's he really after?” Or “What's his main motivation in capturing Batman.” Or “Why is Bane always snooping?” I don't know if he really snoops in the movie, but masturbation spectators aren't really stomping around in their clogs.
5. A Football Game Is Played?
It looks like the Steelers? Regardless, it was an odd choice. Like for some reason this was the first time I saw something in a Batman movie where my reaction was “nope unrealistic.” Not Two-Face. Not Scarecrow. Not Val Kilmer fitting into the Batsuit. This.