By: As Usual

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Breaking Down Mitt Romney’s High Profile Endorsements

Clint Eastwood


Who He Is: An octogenarian icon of Americana. He's famous for grimacing and shooting bad guys.

What it means for Mitt: Finally locked up the elderly vote with this one. Phew, that was a close one. Now older voters can rest assured that the oh-so-threatening homosexuals and Asians can get off their lawn. (Lawn = America)

Fun Fact: After receiving the endorsement, Mitt grabbed the mic and said “He made my day.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Like the movie, Mitt! Like the movie!

Kid Rock


Who He Is: One of the men responsible/to blame for the rise of Rap-Rock. Once made a sex tape with the guy from Creed, who suspiciously has not publicly backed a candidate, though I think Rick Santorum rocked out to his solo album once in his campaign bus.

What it means for Mitt: People from 1998 have a candidate they can look up to.

Fun Fact: Kid Rock may have actually died in 2004 and the man dressed as him may be some sort of Tony Clifton type figure.

Jenna Jameson


Who She Is: A self-proclaimed entrepreneur whose made millions by putting things in holes.

What it means for Mitt: That he likely had a very awkward conversation with his wife Ann about how sometimes sinning can have benefits and how she should shut her mouth because “he has options now.”

Fun Fact: Jenna refuses to do anal sex on camera, instead relying on her “signature move,” which was simply oral sex lubricated with saliva. She’s a bread and butter gal, just like Mitt.

Ted Nugent


Who he is: Gun-toting rocker who became famous for riding buffalos on stage and swinging from vines so obviously he is a political expert.

What it means for Mitt: Has the support of the NRA, which could prove divisive given the fact that Americans keep shooting people and nobody seems to be doing anything to stop it? Not that you can stop insane people from being insane. But shouldn't we stop them from having access to guns while being insane? Not to make this about gun-control but c'mon Ted Nugent, now is your time to step it up. IF ANYONE CAN SAVE US IT'S TED NUGENT OH GOD WE'RE ALL FUCKED.

Fun Fact: Ted Nugent once said he'd kill the president when discussing how to improve America. Oh, I'm sorry, that's not a 'fun' fact. That's a depressing, terrifying fact. Good luck, Mitt, with your new endorsement!

Donald Trump


Who he is: ugh

What it means for Mitt: ugh

Fun Fact: ugh

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