By: Juliet Seniff
Since the world’s first nerd, Galileo Galilei, spotted Mars in 1610, a lot of speculation has been thrown around about life on the Red Planet. A few FAQs:
And now, definitely untouched photos from Mars:
Actual Dearth of Moms on Mars
Maybe you saw the box office flop Mars Needs Moms. But unless you have a kid to shut up for 88 minutes, likely you didn’t! Either way, all you need to know is that the premise involves Martians kidnapping Earthling mothers to discipline their children. In an uncannily accurate interpretation of predicting life on Mars through an over-budgeted, animated Hollywood movie, it turns out that this film was actually a documentary! Now that Mars fulfilled their mom quota, what about the dads?
Now, Mars Needs Dads!
An update on the last finding…
Given all the Hubble hubbub, Hollywood is wasting no time in capitalizing on the world’s renewed fascination with Mars. Hollywood insiders tell us that scripting is officially underway for the “Mars Needs Moms” sequel, “Now, Mars Needs Dads!” The plot involves Martians luring dads to Mars with the promise of free, high-end gas grills, but in reality they will be forced to work as slaves, troubleshooting cable boxes and finishing unfinished basements.
Mars is Red but NOT Because of Some Iron Oxide Bullshit
Astronomers have long dubbed Mars the ‘Red Planet’ due to the concentration of iron oxide on its surface, something long corroborated by MRO satellite imaging. Well, close-up imaging from Curiosity gives these so-called “space experts” the ole’ middle finger treatment ‘it turns out that the reddish hue is a merely the result of a dense population of redheads! That's right, redheads are from fucking Mars. The theory was raised when Scott Thompson aka 'Carrot Top' evaded arrest by literally boarding a spaceship after his Four Loko-sponsored hotel room party at the Luxor got out of hand.
John Gray on a “Men Are From Mars” Book Tour
In an effort to peddle more copies of his crappy book “Men Are From Mars, Women are from Venus” to an untapped market, it turns out author John Gray is already on a book tour through Mars. Martians can get their copy signed at the upstairs cafe in Books-A-Million’s Olympus Mons location.
Child Stars Went to Mars!
VH1’s “Where Are They Now: Child Stars edition” left us with a LOT of unanswered questions about both the current professional and personal updates of yesteryear's child stars. Thanks to Curiosity, we finally get an honest answer. Where are they now? Mars, it turns out. We interviewed Professor Kiernan Shipka, world's most mature child actor and star of Mad Men, on the subject. Prof. Shipka: “Finding little acting work here on Earth, it turns out the world’s child stars migrated to Mars. There they have found success landing major Marswood blockbusters such as ‘Earthlings Be Trippin” and ‘Blurgnot 9’.”
The death of the world’s greatest Rick James impression left us with a lot of broken hearts after Dave Chappelle unapologetically walked away from his Comedy Central contract in 2006. Well, the good news is ‘he’s BACK. With a smattering of random drop-ins at comedy clubs throughout the country, Dave’s return marks the fulfillment of his prophecy that a black president would in fact get us to Mars. ***This just in: it's looking like the Comet-y Store on Mars's North Polar Basin is the next stop on his random, pop-up tour. Mars, bitches!
Mars is Actually Just a First Person Shooter Game
It turns out that Mars is actually just a first person shooter game, not a planet! HOW COULD WE HAVE NOT KNOWN THAT?!
Mars: The Origin of Man
And finally, satellite photos capture artifacts revealing that men are indeed, from Mars.